Walmart to accept family memories, holiday cheer as tender on Black Friday

In a surprise announcement on the eve of the biggest retail event of the year, Walmart CEO Mike Duke said that his nationwide chain of superstores will be accepting priceless family memories and holiday cheer as legal tender on this year’s “Black Friday” after Thanksgiving.

“Friday’s a great day to be at Walmart,” said Duke in a press conference Monday afternoon. “We’ve got iPod touches for only one evening in front of the fireplace with your wife and children. We’ve got 32-inch Samsung HD TVs for the low, low price of only one extra day with your brother you only see once a year. And before 9 a.m., we’ve got all the Hannah Montana merchandise you could ask for—all you have to do is pry it from a weeping seven-year-old girl’s tiny little fingers.”

Local shoppers are already enthusiastic about the savings.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about peace on Earth and goodwill among men a lot lately,” said Dan Sheridan, a 32-year old systems analyst from Bearden. “But apparently if I stop, Walmart will give me a PS3.”

Some “super savers”, such as UT graduate student Evan Meyers, are willing to put it all on the line to maximize the deals that Walmart is offering.

“Me and my girlfriend Denise slept in my car in the parking lot Thanksgiving night so that we could be some of the first ones in line,” said Meyers. “I forgot to bring blankets, and we ended up getting less than 3 hours of sleep in 20 degree weather.  Then we skipped breakfast and pushed our way to the front of the lines so that I could get the Xbox 360 Elite bundle before they ran out.”

“Denise really started yelling at me when I stiff-armed a 12-year-old kid and told him to eat shit,” said Meyers. “At the time, I didn’t really notice. Then she broke up with me in the check-out line. The funny part was that I didn’t even need to be there, because the cashier said I’d already paid for my stuff somehow. It was awesome.”

Indeed, with the right amount of planning, savvy shoppers such as Meyers are able to transfer nearly all the love and joy in their lives into cheap crap that they’ll have forgotten about this time next year.

–All writing and reporting by Softcoremac McCarthy

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Posted by on Dec 2 2010. Filed under News, U.S. News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.

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