Military to use earth-friendly energy in devastating Somalia


The United States military announced today its plan to convert its drones to solar power, to more eco-soundly reduce Somalia’s land and population to so much ash and rubble.

“The current drone models rely on fossil fuels, which spew gallons of smoke into the atmosphere,” said an official at the briefing, showing a video clip of the new solar-powered models igniting a small village. “These new models, meanwhile, will burn no fuel and so release no exhaust,” he added as the blazing village on the video behind him spewed gallons of smoke into the atmosphere.

Environmental expert Marcus Emerson was quick to voice his support of the military’s switch to solar panels, calling the change long overdue.

“The damage fossil fuel-based aircraft do to the atmosphere, and therefore to general health and safety, is just catastrophic,” he said. “They’re practically death-dealing machines! Environmentally speaking.”

Nor were high-ranking officials and energy experts the only people ready for the change. The drones’ pilots were equally enthusiastic about the new eco-friendly design.

“It’s great, it really is,” one man reported while test-piloting one of the new models through rural Somalia. “I mean here I am, just doing my job like I always do, but it’s now I know I’m – GOT ‘EM! Did you see that, Chris? I nailed those motherfuckers! There’s two probable terrorists we’ll never have to convict, am I right? Ha ha! – what was I saying? Oh yeah: it’s like now I know that I’m not making the world a worse place than I found it, you know?”

Amy Marshall, a military engineer currently positioned in Somalia to monitor the drones’ performance, called the change in technology “a huge step forward” for the military’s impact on society.

“With so much warfare conducted remotely these days, it’s important to remember any military offensive has horrific, destructive consequences,” Marshall said as a drone behind her destroyed two small cars, a church and seven houses in rapid succession. She was forced to raise her voice slightly above the screams from the wreckage as she clarified: “Environmentally speaking.”

All writing and reporting by Julius Seizure.

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Posted by on Sep 20 2011. Filed under CRITICALLY URGENT NEWS, World News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.

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