Student-athletes’ academic transcripts lost in flood of $100 bills

Athletic director Dave Hart announced yesterday that the athletic department has lost all their student-athletes’ academic transcripts in a flood of crisp, fresh-minted hundred-dollar bills. According to Hart, the documents were destroyed when the department’s heaping stacks of cash burst through their retaining walls and rushed into adjacent rooms where the academic reports were being stored. Athletes’ textbooks, calculators, tutors, and other academic supplies were also lost in the flood.

“The situation is regrettable,” said Hart, as he wiped his mouth with a hundred-dollar bill while eating a hundred-dollar bill sandwich. “Unfortunately, our current method of organization is the only option, given the circumstances.”

Sources report that sometime last night the pressure of the millions and millions and millions and millions of dollars became too great for the structural integrity of the institution holding them. The cash reportedly blasted through a door and poured, unconstrained, into nearby rooms, destroying virtually all traces of academic activity within the athletic department.

Until recently, Hart said, the department had been able to confine the frothing oceans of money to specific areas of the department, completely separate from academics. Unfortunately, the beginning of the 2011 football season and the renewal of a licensing contract with Adidas led to the completely unexpected and disastrous influx of cash.

Some players tried to volunteer to help clean up the damage, but NCAA rules clearly state that “no student-athlete may lay eyes upon the veritable mountains of wealth accumulated by his or her backbreaking, irreplaceable labor.”

“In retrospect, it may have been a mistake to try to keep our $100.85 million dollar annual budget so close to all our student-athletes’ academic lives,” said Hart. “We face powerful natural forces beyond our control every day in the athletic department, but now it’s just time to grieve what we’ve lost and move on.”

At press time the flood continued to cause damage and showed no signs of receding any time soon.

All writing and reporting by Sofecoremac McCarthy.

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Posted by on Sep 15 2011. Filed under CRITICALLY URGENT NEWS, FEATURED STORIES, Knoxville News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.

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