Crosswalk guard to receive Medal of Honor for gunning down crazed jaywalker

Local UTPD crosswalk guard Bob Tibbles will soon receive the Medal of Honor for his role in stopping an extremely aggressive jaywalker from crossing the street.

The incident occurred last Wednesday at around 2:30pm at the intersection of Andy Holt Avenue and Phillip Fulmer Way. The suspect, now confirmed to be Honors Council president Daniel Aycock, reportedly approached the intersection and instantly became “wildly irate.”

Witness John Berry confirmed, “Yeah, he was saying stuff like, ‘Great, now I’m going to be late to class,’ and, ‘Unbelievable!’ It was crazy talk, man. I was worried he was going to lose it at any moment.”

“Lose it” he did. Seeing that no more cars were coming, Aycock decided to cross the street before Officer Tibbles confirmed it was completely safe to cross.

Tibbles tried to stop the suspect by yelling, “Hey you! Stop! Don’t do that!” but to no avail. Next, he had a decision to make.

“I knew I had two options: I could let this madman get away, or I could shoot him,” Tibbles recounted. “In high-stakes situations like these you just have to go with the option that your gut tells you is right.”

Officer Tibbles fired three shots just before Aycock made it to the other side of the street. As the suspect fell, all the students around began to cheer.

Sophomore Stacey Michaels commented, “That crazy person was walking right at me. There is no telling what could have happened if that brave crosswalk guard hadn’t acted. They are usually so underappreciated, but it’s times like these that make you realize how necessary crosswalk guards really are to society. They are the silent heroes.”

Tibbles’s Medal of Honor ceremony is scheduled for next Monday. Chancellor Cheek and Governor Haslam are confirmed attendees. President Obama will not be able to come, but he sends his “deepest thanks for his invaluable service to society.”

All writing and reporting by Penultimate Warrior.

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Posted by on Sep 13 2011. Filed under CRITICALLY URGENT NEWS, Knoxville News, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.

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