Vols defeat alleged “Grizzlies” 42-16

"We won't be fooled again," Dooley told reporters after the game.

Tennessee celebrated victory Saturday night, pummeling the University of Montana’s deceptively human football team 42-16.

“We were shocked to run out onto the field to find that we were, in fact, playing football against a team of Homo sapiens similar to ourselves on Saturday,” said head coach Derek Dooley in a press conference after the game. “We spent weeks preparing for this game, all based on the logical conclusion that when Montana referred to themselves as ‘The Grizzlies’ that they were, in fact, grizzly bears.”

As the usual pregame rituals commenced and the Volunteers ran onto the turf, the fear in the team’s eyes was noticeable to even the most inebriated fan in attendance.

“I haven’t seen Matt Simms’ knees shake like that since he prepared to take the field against Alabama last season,” said avid UT fan Bo Johnson, 42. “And he wasn’t even starting this week.”

When the Grizzlies took the field, however, everything changed. Through the harsh disdain in the crowd’s cries, one could easily hear and see the confusion on the Volunteers’ sideline. The team assistants were immediately instructed to dispose of the now useless salmon piles that Dooley had intended to use as a distraction, and the bear trainers that Dooley had hired from the Knoxville Zoo were dismissed.

“The game has changed,” Dooley said, according to reports from an anonymous player inside the huddle. “We now know what we are truly up against. We must adjust our strategy drastically, and quickly. If we hope to win, we must abandon all of our plans from before, and play traditional football. I know many of you haven’t practiced traditional football since last January, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have what it takes.”

As the trainers hauled off dozens of bear traps and loaded tranquilizer guns, Dooley scrambled to get his special teams ready for kickoff. As he laid out a plan in which the Vols’ kicker actually kicked the ball to the Montana special teams unit, as opposed to the original plan of kicking it into a salmon laced pit that had been dug into the West hash-mark on the 10-yardline, the Montana sideline looked ominously prepared.

“When I saw the look in [Montana safety] Erik Stoll’s eyes, I was frightened,” said sophomore quarterback Tyler Bray after the game. “But less frightened than I would’ve been if he were a grizzly bear.”

As of press time, Dooley had launched an exploratory committee to determine whether the University of Cincinnati Bearcats are bears or cats.

All writing and reporting by the W.A.L.N.U.T.R.O.N. 9000 News-Report-o-Matic-Bot.

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Posted by on Sep 8 2011. Filed under CRITICALLY URGENT NEWS, Knoxville News, News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.

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