‘Heirarchy of needs’ updated to include iPhones, porn


The American Psychological Association announced revisions last week to Abraham Maslow’s now-defunct “hierarchy of needs” from 1943. The updated hierarchy includes more modern necessities, such as Apple iPhones, hard liquor, and blowjobs.

“Maslow was on the right track,” said Dr. Ronald Deffenbaugh, APA associate executive director. “But new research looking closer at the contemporary American consumer has found that Maslow overlooked entire categories of needs crucial for healthy, economically-sustainable development.”

The hierarchy has been completely overhauled. Newly discovered needs include categories like “televisiological needs”, “ejaculatory needs”, and “Taco Bell” in lieu of old-fashioned and outdated categories like “self-actualization needs” and “love/belonging needs”.

“The times have just changed, and with them the needs,” said Deffenbaugh. “While Maslow’s old needs were adequate for the 1943 world in which they were written, there’s no way he could have predicted the wealth of needs that the modern American now faces. I mean, come on—they didn’t even have Cinnabons back then.”

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Posted by on Aug 24 2011. Filed under CRITICALLY URGENT NEWS, FEATURED STORIES. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.

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