Professor extinguishes class excitement in record 86 seconds

Already a distinguished lot, UT’s faculty can now boast yet another international recognition: English professor Jeremy McClain has broken the Guinness World Record time for completely eliminating a class’s excitement for the upcoming semester.

“Those cocksuckers never knew what hit them,” said an adrenaline-flushed McClain, shaking hands with a Guinness representative as he received his reward. “I live for this shit.”

At 8:00:00 Wednesday morning, 26 unsuspecting students sat in McClain’s Technical Writing 350 class, eager to find out what they would be learning, who would be teaching it, and what friends they might make over the next fifteen weeks. However, by 8:00:26, McClain had already handed out the syllabus and explained the daily 500 word assignments.

By 8:00:49, he finished explaining his draconian one-absence and zero tolerance food/drink policies, all in an unintelligible mumble as he stared at his shoes. By 8:01:11, the distinguished professor had informed students that each of the three textbooks for his major-required class cost over $100.

Finally, when McClain angrily informed a student that walked in at 8:01:26 that he would be dropped from the course for his first-day tardiness, and the world record was his.

“It was incredible,” said visibly dejected senior Jonathan Stow. “I usually last a week or two before it dawns on me that I have months of all-nighters and term papers ahead of me. That son of bitch hit me with a hard dose of reality almost instantly. I’ve never seen a professor wipe the smiles off students’ faces with that kind of brute efficiency.”

McClain attributed his success to thorough preparation and a particularly naïve class of English students. He reportedly arrived to class an hour early, shutting the windows to heat up the room, testing the acoustics to maximize vocal obfuscation, and arranging the desks such that no two students sat close enough to conveniently strike up a conversation.

“As for the undergrads I was working with,” McClain said referring to the high percentage of literature and creative writing concentrations in the class. “It was like shooting a liberal arts major in a barrel. What a bunch of fucking chumps.”

McClain says that he plans to use his award money to found an international non-profit providing education to third-world countries, in order to “take [his] game to the next level.”

All writing and reporting by Softcoremac McCarthy

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Posted by on Aug 17 2011. Filed under Knoxville News, News, READ THESE OR YOUR CHILDREN MIGHT DIE. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.

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