Americans celebrate extra hour of masturbation

 By: Softcoremac McCarthy

Across the country last night and today, Americans have enjoyed sixty extra glorious minutes of pleasuring themselves, thanks to the annual advent of daylight savings time.

“I can always count on this day to get a little extra something done around the house,” said Jim Gallager, local business owner and father of three. “Especially after the bonus hour-long fap-straveganza.”

The time-shifting tradition was originally conceived by New Zealand entomologist and avid masturbator George Vernon Hudson in 1895.As the hours of daylight shifted to earlier points in the day, Hudson was forced to drag himself out of bed at increasingly absurd hours in order to capitalize on the sun’s natural light to collect insect specimens. This shift in morning routine not only left him consistently groggy, but also made it virtually impossible for him to mash out the daily pre-breakfast load of knuckle children that he usually so enjoyed.

Resolving to solve the problem once and for all, Hudson authored the now-famous paper The Masturbalogical Benefits of Seasonal Time-Adjustment, presenting his work the Wellington Philosophical Society. The paper went on to receive thunderous praise from predominantly male scholars of the day, and soon “daylight saving time” was being implemented by male politicians worldwide.

Today, some argue that social and cultural changes have rendered DST obsolete. But while modern lifestyles have shifted indoors, they have also become more masturbation-centric than ever. Allan Buriside, a UT senior studying logistics, views DST as a welcome relief from his stale, repetitive masturbatory schedule.

“A lot of times, I get into a funk around this time of year. The days are shorter, the weather’s cold, and then there’s midterms to top it all off,” said Burnside. “But one day every fall, I know I can count on daylight savings for a chance to just sit back, relax, and watch exploited teens do humiliating things for my sexual gratification.”

“And, come on, who could possibly not masturbate on a 25-hour day?” added Burnside.

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Posted by on Dec 12 2010. Filed under News, U.S. News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.

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