Student forgets about Spring Recess, thinks he missed the Rapture

UT sophomore John Levine experienced a scare last Friday when, after spending all day alone on campus, he thought he had missed the second coming of Christ.

Everything seemed normal until he sat down in his first class. After 15 minutes, no one else had arrived. Levine checked his email to make sure the professor didn’t cancel class. He didn’t have any emails, and stayed the full 50 minutes just to be safe.

When his next class was empty as well, Singleton began to worry.  He left his classroom and roamed into Hodges looking for some sign of life. He saw no one sleeping in the library chairs. He ran up Pedestrian Walkway and saw no kids sitting on the vent smoking outside Clarence Brown Theater or anybody passing out Bible study fliers near Hess.

Desperate and confused, he ran back to his dorm to consult the Internet. He googled, “where has everybody gone,” to try and find some answers. After scrolling through twenty pages of song lyrics and poetry blogs, Levine discovered

“At first I got to the site and couldn’t believe my eyes,” recounted Levine. “I clicked on ‘Rapture Ready News’ and read the most recent signs in the news that the Rapture was coming: predator drones, killer asteroids, God particles, Russians. And the Rapture Index was at 184 – well into the ‘Fasten your seat belts!’ area of the Rapture spectrum. That’s when I knew for sure: I missed Jesus’s second coming.”

Turns out he hadn’t. Levine spent the next two days curled up in the fetal position under his desk, drifting in and out of a restless sleep. Sunday afternoon his roommate returned to Levine’s dorm dorm, and Levine discovered his mistake.

“It was freaky, man,” roommate Mark Foster said about finding Levine under the desk. “He had some serious B.O. and looked like he hadn’t slept all weekend. When he saw me, he slowly got out from under the desk and groped my face to make sure I was real or something. It was weird.”

Levine laughed when he figured it all out. “I should have known!” exclaimed Levine. “This is actually the third time this has happened.”

–By writing and reporting by Penultimate Warrior

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Posted by on Apr 25 2011. Filed under ALL THINGS AARON CARTER, CRITICALLY URGENT NEWS, Knoxville News, News, READ THESE OR YOUR CHILDREN MIGHT DIE. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.

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