Category archives for: World News

Military to use earth-friendly energy in devastating Somalia

The United States military announced today its plan to convert its drones to solar power, to more eco-soundly reduce Somalia’s land and population to so much ash and rubble.

“The current drone models rely on fossil fuels, which spew gallons of smoke into the atmosphere,” said an official at the briefing, showing a video clip of the new solar-powered models igniting a small village. “These new models, meanwhile, will burn no fuel and so release no exhaust,” he added as the blazing village on the video behind him spewed gallons of smoke into the atmosphere.

Environmental expert Marcus Emerson was quick to voice his support of the military’s switch to solar panels, calling the change long overdue.

“The damage fossil fuel-based aircraft do to the atmosphere, and therefore to general health and safety, is just catastrophic,” he said. “They’re practically death-dealing machines! Environmentally speaking.”

Nor were high-ranking officials and energy experts the only people ready for the change. The drones’ pilots were equally enthusiastic about the new eco-friendly design.

“It’s great, it really is,” one man reported while test-piloting one of the new models through rural Somalia. “I mean here I am, just doing my job like I always do, but it’s now I know I’m – GOT ‘EM! Did you see that, Chris? I nailed those motherfuckers! There’s two probable terrorists we’ll never have to convict, am I right? Ha ha! – what was I saying? Oh yeah: it’s like now I know that I’m not making the world a worse place than I found it, you know?”

Amy Marshall, a military engineer currently positioned in Somalia to monitor the drones’ performance, called the change in technology “a huge step forward” for the military’s impact on society.

“With so much warfare conducted remotely these days, it’s important to remember any military offensive has horrific, destructive consequences,” Marshall said as a drone behind her destroyed two small cars, a church and seven houses in rapid succession. She was forced to raise her voice slightly above the screams from the wreckage as she clarified: “Environmentally speaking.”

All writing and reporting by Julius Seizure.

Bush finally finds weapons of mass destruction underneath couch cushions

In a surprise announcement last Friday, former president George W. Bush declared that he has finally found the long sought-after nuclear weapons that prompted the U.S.’s 2003 invasion of Iraq. Bush stated that the weapons were in fact nearly 7,000 miles from their formerly suspected location near Baghdad, resting quietly between the cushions of a leather couch in the living room of Bush’s ranch house in McLennan County, Texas.

“Well I’ll be damned,” said the Bush, between chuckles. “They were there the whole time!”

The former president was reportedly watching a Smart Guy marathon on BET when, to his dismay, an episode centered around the family’s sassy teenage daughter Tasha began to air. It was at this point that Bush began to frantically search the room for his missing remote control in order to change the channel.

“It’s been said by some that I hate black people,” said Bush. “While this could not be further from the truth, I unfortunately can’t say the same for Essence Atkins’s character on Smart Guy.”

After several minutes of desperate searching, Bush located the remote and promptly switched over to a Cosby Show marathon airing simultaneously on TBS. Once the cushions had been removed, however, a few more lost technological devices were revealed to Bush: 13 fully-functional, ready-to-blow nuclear warheads formerly believed to be under the control Saddam Hussein’s regime in Iraq.

“It’s a good thing I haven’t invited Cheney over lately. After a few hours of Fox news and Jack Daniels, that lard-o’s usually bouncing off the walls.” said Bush. “One violent, drunken gesticulation while sitting on that couch could have turned east Texas a nuclear wasteland.”

When asked about the nearly 5,000 human lives lost $750 billion spent in Iraq by the U.S. in search of these weapons, Bush slapped himself in the forehead with the palm of his hand and exclaimed, “Doi!”

The couch in question, a full-grain leather four-seater manufactured in Grand Rapids, MI, is expected to appear before the UN Security Council later this month to face charges of secretly harboring nuclear arms.

– All writing and reporting by Softcoremac McCarthy

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