Category archives for: U.S. News

Rep. John Fleming corrects statement, only has “like $300,000 left a year”

Congressman John Fleming of Louisiana released a statement today correcting his previous comment on an interview on MSNBC, saying instead of having “maybe $400,000” left per year after taxes as he previously said, it is “seriously only like $300,000 if you really think about it.”

Rep. Fleming has been under fire since Monday morning for being insensitive to the economic plight of the average American when he implied his $400,000 left a year after taxes was very little. But now he says he was not exactly clear.

“After paying employees of my fast food chains, paying taxes, and feeding my family, I have, maybe, $400,000 left over to invest in new locations, upgrade my locations, buy more equipment,” said Fleming. “My family and I have had to make major cutbacks. We can hardly afford to by name-brand caviar to feed our dogs anymore. I had to use actual wallpaper instead of gold leaf to repaper the walls of my man-cave this year so I could still afford my weekly hooker and monthly hair plugs. And all this is not even counting all the money I have to burn to heat my 4000 square-foot home. After all of that it’s really only like $300,000.”

Republicans have been saying for months that increases in tax revenue will kill jobs created by successful businessmen like Fleming. They say the only way to keep businessmen like Fleming afloat who are on the edge of bankruptcy is to lower taxes so they have more money to invest in their businesses.

“If taxes were lower, job creators like me could do what we were set on this God-given earth to do: create jobs. As it is right now, I could not even imagine hiring another employee for one of my many fast food chains. A full time employee at minimum wage plus benefits would be at least another $20,000 a year, leaving me with only $280,000. Why don’t you just ask me to live in a cardboard box!”

When asked what he does with the measly $300,000 left each year, Rep. Fleming said, “You know, my family and I always try to give back. When we can spare it, we try to donate to worthy causes like Rick Perry’s campaign or the Professional Golfer’s Association of America.”

All writing and reporting by Penultimate Warrior.

East Coast quake survivors pick up the pieces

Graphic images continue to surface as survivors attempt to clean up move on with their lives.

Residents in Virginia, New York, D.C., North Carolina, and Tennessee are reportedly in a state of crisis after the magnitude 5.8 earthquake that rocked the East coast Tuesday. Martha Stevenson, who was about 80 miles from the epicenter of the quake in her hometown of Springfield, VA, reported that the town is in “utter turmoil.”

“It’s just too much to handle,” said Stevenson, 42. “With all the terrorism in the world, and those disasters in Haiti and places like that, I had to assume the worst when the shaking started. The mental anguish from all this is unbearable.”

Stevenson went on to explain that on top of her family feeling in danger of a deadly aftershock, various pieces of her Martha Stewart Living bistro patio set had been upturned, as well as the ADT home security sign in the front yard.

“Red Cross needs to be sent out here immediately, just in case,” said Stevenson. “Oh, and the National Guard too. Things could get out of hand real fast once those damn kids start looting like they are in England or wherever.”

The situation is even worse in Charlottesville, VA, where residents lost power for nearly three the day of the quake.

“As you can imagine, everyone here is scared senseless,” said Ron Spillane, 37-year-old Minister at Little Hope Baptist Church. “Thousands have flocked to my church in this time of crisis, and I feel the power of prayer has helped restore peace.”

“And the power, too” he added.

In addition to the catastrophic multi-hour period without electricity, residents are also worried about the loss of power in the North Anna Nuclear Power Facility, located only a few miles from the city.

“Who knows what this could mean,” said 114-year-old Charlottesville resident Amy Hughes. “We could all be feral, brain-eating zombies within a week. This totally wouldn’t happen with wind or solar power. Those are extremely safe and very efficient. It says so online.”

While inspections are still being made at press time, Joey Ledford, spokesman of the Nuclear Regulatory Commission assured everyone that every precaution would be taken in getting the plant back online.

“And no,” said Ledford, when asked to comment on Ms. Hughes accusation. “For the last fucking time, nuclear energy doesn’t do that sort of thing.”

All writing and reporting by Forever Malone

Bored journalists of the world to take a few months off

Citing a complete lack of news, journalists in the U.S. and abroad have announced an industry-wide hiatus until, as New York Times writer Jonathan Richmond put it, “something friggin’ happens.”

“It’s like 2011 is some kind of historical void,” said Richmond. “We keep waiting for an important event that more than like twelve people will care about, but the dry spell just won’t end.”

Experts agree that absolutely nothing of significance has occurred for nearly five months, citing WikiLeaks’ November 2010 Cablegate as the last “halfway interesting, I guess” event worldwide. Journalists have announced plans to visit family, travel, and cross their fingers for some kind of revolution spree, natural disaster, nuclear accident, celebrity breakdown, or celebrity marriage during their time off. Or, as CNN correspondent Dan Hickson sarcastically remarked, “Maybe someone will kill Osama bin Laden.”

Bush finally finds weapons of mass destruction underneath couch cushions

In a surprise announcement last Friday, former president George W. Bush declared that he has finally found the long sought-after nuclear weapons that prompted the U.S.’s 2003 invasion of Iraq. Bush stated that the weapons were in fact nearly 7,000 miles from their formerly suspected location near Baghdad, resting quietly between the cushions of a leather couch in the living room of Bush’s ranch house in McLennan County, Texas.

“Well I’ll be damned,” said the Bush, between chuckles. “They were there the whole time!”

The former president was reportedly watching a Smart Guy marathon on BET when, to his dismay, an episode centered around the family’s sassy teenage daughter Tasha began to air. It was at this point that Bush began to frantically search the room for his missing remote control in order to change the channel.

“It’s been said by some that I hate black people,” said Bush. “While this could not be further from the truth, I unfortunately can’t say the same for Essence Atkins’s character on Smart Guy.”

After several minutes of desperate searching, Bush located the remote and promptly switched over to a Cosby Show marathon airing simultaneously on TBS. Once the cushions had been removed, however, a few more lost technological devices were revealed to Bush: 13 fully-functional, ready-to-blow nuclear warheads formerly believed to be under the control Saddam Hussein’s regime in Iraq.

“It’s a good thing I haven’t invited Cheney over lately. After a few hours of Fox news and Jack Daniels, that lard-o’s usually bouncing off the walls.” said Bush. “One violent, drunken gesticulation while sitting on that couch could have turned east Texas a nuclear wasteland.”

When asked about the nearly 5,000 human lives lost $750 billion spent in Iraq by the U.S. in search of these weapons, Bush slapped himself in the forehead with the palm of his hand and exclaimed, “Doi!”

The couch in question, a full-grain leather four-seater manufactured in Grand Rapids, MI, is expected to appear before the UN Security Council later this month to face charges of secretly harboring nuclear arms.

– All writing and reporting by Softcoremac McCarthy

Obama signs into law world’s largest homo club

Finally making good on promises made during his 2008 presidential campaign, President Barack Obama signed into law the world’s largest homosexual enthusiast club Wednesday morning. The organization will offer a safe and comfortable place for the nation’s homosexuals to plan social events and meet others, and will also be charged with the ensuring the international security of the United States.

“I’m just so super duper excited to see all the new possibilities for the military!” said career Army serviceman Stan Little. Little, according to reports from his wife Lucy, mysteriously transformed overnight from the brawny troglodyte she’d been married to for 37 years into an effeminate pansy unable to tear himself away from Lifetime’s Sex in the City marathons.

“It was like magic,” said Lucy Little. “Around 9 a.m. Wednesday morning, he locked himself in the bathroom to figure out a new way to style his hair. Then he made me a zucchini and mint frittata for brunch and asked if I needed anything from the mall. I think it has something to do with that club he’s been working for since 1968.”

Under Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s new plan, the “Happy Fun Time Hoo-Hah/Ding-Dong Fan Club” will be divided into five sub-units, to be known as the Army, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard, and Marine Corps. While all of these units will be designed to cater to their respective alternative lifestyle constituents in similar ways, their roles in protecting America from foreign enemies will differ slightly. The units will, however, work together, combining their resources to ensure the swift and reliable protection of the United States in addition to the bitchinest homoerotic party scene ever known to a world military power.

“Some people may misunderstand my intent in signing this bill,” said president Obama in a speech given minutes after signing the “Military Homofication Act” into law. “This is not about treating all US citizens equally under the law. This is about sacrificing all of our nation’s security in order to not only condone but actively encourage lifestyles antithetical to the traditional family values on which our nation was founded. Death to America.”

–All writing and reporting by Softcoremac McCarthy

Americans celebrate extra hour of masturbation

 By: Softcoremac McCarthy

Across the country last night and today, Americans have enjoyed sixty extra glorious minutes of pleasuring themselves, thanks to the annual advent of daylight savings time.

“I can always count on this day to get a little extra something done around the house,” said Jim Gallager, local business owner and father of three. “Especially after the bonus hour-long fap-straveganza.”

The time-shifting tradition was originally conceived by New Zealand entomologist and avid masturbator George Vernon Hudson in 1895.As the hours of daylight shifted to earlier points in the day, Hudson was forced to drag himself out of bed at increasingly absurd hours in order to capitalize on the sun’s natural light to collect insect specimens. This shift in morning routine not only left him consistently groggy, but also made it virtually impossible for him to mash out the daily pre-breakfast load of knuckle children that he usually so enjoyed.

Resolving to solve the problem once and for all, Hudson authored the now-famous paper The Masturbalogical Benefits of Seasonal Time-Adjustment, presenting his work the Wellington Philosophical Society. The paper went on to receive thunderous praise from predominantly male scholars of the day, and soon “daylight saving time” was being implemented by male politicians worldwide.

Today, some argue that social and cultural changes have rendered DST obsolete. But while modern lifestyles have shifted indoors, they have also become more masturbation-centric than ever. Allan Buriside, a UT senior studying logistics, views DST as a welcome relief from his stale, repetitive masturbatory schedule.

“A lot of times, I get into a funk around this time of year. The days are shorter, the weather’s cold, and then there’s midterms to top it all off,” said Burnside. “But one day every fall, I know I can count on daylight savings for a chance to just sit back, relax, and watch exploited teens do humiliating things for my sexual gratification.”

“And, come on, who could possibly not masturbate on a 25-hour day?” added Burnside.

Walmart to accept family memories, holiday cheer as tender on Black Friday

In a surprise announcement on the eve of the biggest retail event of the year, Walmart CEO Mike Duke said that his nationwide chain of superstores will be accepting priceless family memories and holiday cheer as legal tender on this year’s “Black Friday” after Thanksgiving.

“Friday’s a great day to be at Walmart,” said Duke in a press conference Monday afternoon. “We’ve got iPod touches for only one evening in front of the fireplace with your wife and children. We’ve got 32-inch Samsung HD TVs for the low, low price of only one extra day with your brother you only see once a year. And before 9 a.m., we’ve got all the Hannah Montana merchandise you could ask for—all you have to do is pry it from a weeping seven-year-old girl’s tiny little fingers.”

Local shoppers are already enthusiastic about the savings.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about peace on Earth and goodwill among men a lot lately,” said Dan Sheridan, a 32-year old systems analyst from Bearden. “But apparently if I stop, Walmart will give me a PS3.”

Some “super savers”, such as UT graduate student Evan Meyers, are willing to put it all on the line to maximize the deals that Walmart is offering.

“Me and my girlfriend Denise slept in my car in the parking lot Thanksgiving night so that we could be some of the first ones in line,” said Meyers. “I forgot to bring blankets, and we ended up getting less than 3 hours of sleep in 20 degree weather.  Then we skipped breakfast and pushed our way to the front of the lines so that I could get the Xbox 360 Elite bundle before they ran out.”

“Denise really started yelling at me when I stiff-armed a 12-year-old kid and told him to eat shit,” said Meyers. “At the time, I didn’t really notice. Then she broke up with me in the check-out line. The funny part was that I didn’t even need to be there, because the cashier said I’d already paid for my stuff somehow. It was awesome.”

Indeed, with the right amount of planning, savvy shoppers such as Meyers are able to transfer nearly all the love and joy in their lives into cheap crap that they’ll have forgotten about this time next year.

–All writing and reporting by Softcoremac McCarthy

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