Category archives for: Knoxville News

Fashion: Freshman lanyard–Who wore it best?

On their first day at UT, every incoming freshman was given a bright orange lanyard. Some used it as simply a nametag, but others used it how it was meant to be used: as a fashion statement. Here’s a survey of who wore it best.

I mean, honestly, what year are we in? 2009? This is so normal it hurts. Definitely no way to make your first fashion statement at college. Nice job, freshman.

Now this is living life on the wild side. The fact that in a split second keys, money, and at least two forms of ID can be stolen out of your pocket as you sashay down the Strip make this fashion choice so much more daring and avant-garde.

These are just like Chacos, only they get you even closer to nature by having your foot in direct contact with the ground. All the foot fungus you’ll contract via this style will be super cute.

This style has function and form. Having your ID dangle right beside your face conveniently reduces the time it takes for your friends to verify your identity, and your hair gets that super stylish “choked Furby” look.

This is a daring attempt, but it’s a little much. Try toning it down a bit with a couple of elegant Power T pasties.

All writing and reporting by Penultimate Warrior.

Student-athletes’ academic transcripts lost in flood of $100 bills

Athletic director Dave Hart announced yesterday that the athletic department has lost all their student-athletes’ academic transcripts in a flood of crisp, fresh-minted hundred-dollar bills. According to Hart, the documents were destroyed when the department’s heaping stacks of cash burst through their retaining walls and rushed into adjacent rooms where the academic reports were being stored. Athletes’ textbooks, calculators, tutors, and other academic supplies were also lost in the flood.

“The situation is regrettable,” said Hart, as he wiped his mouth with a hundred-dollar bill while eating a hundred-dollar bill sandwich. “Unfortunately, our current method of organization is the only option, given the circumstances.”

Sources report that sometime last night the pressure of the millions and millions and millions and millions of dollars became too great for the structural integrity of the institution holding them. The cash reportedly blasted through a door and poured, unconstrained, into nearby rooms, destroying virtually all traces of academic activity within the athletic department.

Until recently, Hart said, the department had been able to confine the frothing oceans of money to specific areas of the department, completely separate from academics. Unfortunately, the beginning of the 2011 football season and the renewal of a licensing contract with Adidas led to the completely unexpected and disastrous influx of cash.

Some players tried to volunteer to help clean up the damage, but NCAA rules clearly state that “no student-athlete may lay eyes upon the veritable mountains of wealth accumulated by his or her backbreaking, irreplaceable labor.”

“In retrospect, it may have been a mistake to try to keep our $100.85 million dollar annual budget so close to all our student-athletes’ academic lives,” said Hart. “We face powerful natural forces beyond our control every day in the athletic department, but now it’s just time to grieve what we’ve lost and move on.”

At press time the flood continued to cause damage and showed no signs of receding any time soon.

All writing and reporting by Sofecoremac McCarthy.

Crosswalk guard to receive Medal of Honor for gunning down crazed jaywalker

Local UTPD crosswalk guard Bob Tibbles will soon receive the Medal of Honor for his role in stopping an extremely aggressive jaywalker from crossing the street.

The incident occurred last Wednesday at around 2:30pm at the intersection of Andy Holt Avenue and Phillip Fulmer Way. The suspect, now confirmed to be Honors Council president Daniel Aycock, reportedly approached the intersection and instantly became “wildly irate.”

Witness John Berry confirmed, “Yeah, he was saying stuff like, ‘Great, now I’m going to be late to class,’ and, ‘Unbelievable!’ It was crazy talk, man. I was worried he was going to lose it at any moment.”

“Lose it” he did. Seeing that no more cars were coming, Aycock decided to cross the street before Officer Tibbles confirmed it was completely safe to cross.

Tibbles tried to stop the suspect by yelling, “Hey you! Stop! Don’t do that!” but to no avail. Next, he had a decision to make.

“I knew I had two options: I could let this madman get away, or I could shoot him,” Tibbles recounted. “In high-stakes situations like these you just have to go with the option that your gut tells you is right.”

Officer Tibbles fired three shots just before Aycock made it to the other side of the street. As the suspect fell, all the students around began to cheer.

Sophomore Stacey Michaels commented, “That crazy person was walking right at me. There is no telling what could have happened if that brave crosswalk guard hadn’t acted. They are usually so underappreciated, but it’s times like these that make you realize how necessary crosswalk guards really are to society. They are the silent heroes.”

Tibbles’s Medal of Honor ceremony is scheduled for next Monday. Chancellor Cheek and Governor Haslam are confirmed attendees. President Obama will not be able to come, but he sends his “deepest thanks for his invaluable service to society.”

All writing and reporting by Penultimate Warrior.

Student finds speech class “very rewarding”

UT may only be three weeks into the semester, but local student George Kaplan is already sure that he will learn “like, so much” in his speech class.

Kaplan, a senior in classics, at first had doubts about CMST 210, a class which fulfills the oral communication general education requirement. He thought it would be boring and pointless and that he would learn nothing new. He thought it would be full of trite platitudes that are totally obvious to everyone who has ever spoken in front of three people before. But after the first week, he realized just how wrong he was.

Kaplan said, “The second day of class we spent the entire day talking about the importance of eye contact when making a speech. We learned why it’s important and how you do it. It was amazing. I never would have thought to do that.”

Since then the class has spent days devoted to standing up straight, knowing your material, showing up fully clothed, not making racist jokes, and not arriving drunk to a presentation—all things which he felt were extremely useful tips. He wished they would elaborate on the topics for even more days.

“I just feel like this class will help me more than every other one at UT,” Kaplan said. “I’ve learned more about public speaking in these three weeks than I have learned in three years being in my Jewish fraternity. It’s changed my life. My mom is just so proud of me, and my girlfriend thinks it’s sexy I’ve learned how to make eye contact now. It’s just overall very rewarding. I highly recommend the class.”

All writing and reporting by Penultimate Warrior.

Fundamentalist Star Trek Fans evangelize, warn the end is nigh

A group of radical Trekkie evangelists has met with complaints as they urge the student body to repent and be saved before the coming First Contact with the planet Vulcan.

The fundamentalist Star Trek fans have set up a booth on the Pedestrian Walkway to deliver their warning and call to faith. The basis for this concern lies in the 1996 work of Trekkie scripture “Star Trek: First Contact.”

“The Good Film is very clear,” says Marcie Halloway from behind her Klingon mask. “In the year 2063, the Chosen One, Zephram Cochrane, will build a spaceship engine that breaks the warp barrier. A passing Vulcan will hear the disturbance and land on Earth. From that moment forward, Human and Vulcan races will be united in a new and glorious future.”

The booth stands under a giant sign reading “Will YOU Live Long And Prosper?” Trekkies in traditional garments – knee-high boots, primary-color shirts and Star Fleet insignia pins – foist DVDs of scripture onto passersby.

“We’re not trying to harass anyone,” says John McDowan, who had donned the supererogatory false pointed ears for his ministry. “But people deserve to know the truth. We just want to warn them. We’re here to spread the Good News.”

Some skeptical students engage in theological debate with believers.

“Infallible scripture?” shouts a passing freshman. “What about Khan Noon Singh’s famous revolution, predicted to occur in the 1990s? Can’t explain that, can you? Dickwads!”

McDowan’s belief remains unshaken.

“It’s important to remember that the Good Films can’t always be taken literally,” he says. “The Word of Rodenberry is ineffable and beyond the knowledge of fankind. But our faith in the First Contact is strong.”

Not all Trekkies, however, share in McDowan’s mission.

“I mean, I consider myself a practicing Trekkie,” said undergraduate Harry Lee. “I break out a Ferengi costume every now and then, I meditate on the Kirk-Picard comparison, and every Sunday I observe a day of locking myself in my dorm to watch Original Series episodes in utter loneliness. But this mission work makes me uncomfortable.”

“It’s like the Good Film says,” Lee added. “Infinite Variety in Infinite Combinations.”

Other undergraduates are not swayed by even the underlying premise of McDowan’s argument.

“Alien contact in 2063? Please,” said undergraduate student Marty Howell. “I don’t know where people come up with this bullshit. Everyone knows the world will end in 2012 because God hates the gays.”

All writing and reporting by Julius Seizure.

Vols defeat alleged “Grizzlies” 42-16

"We won't be fooled again," Dooley told reporters after the game.

Tennessee celebrated victory Saturday night, pummeling the University of Montana’s deceptively human football team 42-16.

“We were shocked to run out onto the field to find that we were, in fact, playing football against a team of Homo sapiens similar to ourselves on Saturday,” said head coach Derek Dooley in a press conference after the game. “We spent weeks preparing for this game, all based on the logical conclusion that when Montana referred to themselves as ‘The Grizzlies’ that they were, in fact, grizzly bears.”

As the usual pregame rituals commenced and the Volunteers ran onto the turf, the fear in the team’s eyes was noticeable to even the most inebriated fan in attendance.

“I haven’t seen Matt Simms’ knees shake like that since he prepared to take the field against Alabama last season,” said avid UT fan Bo Johnson, 42. “And he wasn’t even starting this week.”

When the Grizzlies took the field, however, everything changed. Through the harsh disdain in the crowd’s cries, one could easily hear and see the confusion on the Volunteers’ sideline. The team assistants were immediately instructed to dispose of the now useless salmon piles that Dooley had intended to use as a distraction, and the bear trainers that Dooley had hired from the Knoxville Zoo were dismissed.

“The game has changed,” Dooley said, according to reports from an anonymous player inside the huddle. “We now know what we are truly up against. We must adjust our strategy drastically, and quickly. If we hope to win, we must abandon all of our plans from before, and play traditional football. I know many of you haven’t practiced traditional football since last January, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have what it takes.”

As the trainers hauled off dozens of bear traps and loaded tranquilizer guns, Dooley scrambled to get his special teams ready for kickoff. As he laid out a plan in which the Vols’ kicker actually kicked the ball to the Montana special teams unit, as opposed to the original plan of kicking it into a salmon laced pit that had been dug into the West hash-mark on the 10-yardline, the Montana sideline looked ominously prepared.

“When I saw the look in [Montana safety] Erik Stoll’s eyes, I was frightened,” said sophomore quarterback Tyler Bray after the game. “But less frightened than I would’ve been if he were a grizzly bear.”

As of press time, Dooley had launched an exploratory committee to determine whether the University of Cincinnati Bearcats are bears or cats.

All writing and reporting by the W.A.L.N.U.T.R.O.N. 9000 News-Report-o-Matic-Bot.

Don’t Worry, Everyone Already Hates You: Softcoremac McCarthy’s 8 Essential Tips for Freshman Year

Freshman year is an exciting time in a young human/gelatinous humanoid’s life, but anyone who’s emerged from the frosh pit knows that there are a handful of tips that your mother forgot to mention in her 800-page suicide treatise. The Knoxville Walnut is here, though, to coddle your malformed psyche and imbue the class of 2015 (lol yea right fuckers) with values that might not harm you and certainly will not harm our vested interest in the meat packing industry.

1. Spend no less than $300 at the UT poster sale. Let me set up a scenario for you: You’ve been sitting by this hottie in calc class for a couple weeks, chattin’ it up on the reg. The first test is coming, and so you take a gulp and invite her over to your dorm room to study. She comes over later that night, stepping into your dorm room only to be assaulted by four walls completely devoid of references to Fight Club, Bob Marley, AND The Boondock Saints. She flings scalding coffee in your face and leaves you shrieking on the floor, without even the Beer Pong Constitution to comfort you. You fail the test, flunk out your first semester, and die in a car accident on the way back to move in with your ashamed parents. They celebrate. Alright, back to reality: the UT poster sale is not the time to pinch pennies. As a general rule, the more numbered lists/breasts, the better.

2. Establish roommate supremacy. A strict pecking order is typically established among roommates/suitemates by day five in the dorms, but any well-prepared freshman knows not to allow the process to take that long. If you’ve got the build, bare-knuckle boxing is the simplest and most traditional way to establish dominance, but fear not—there are plenty of options for all you brainiacs, too. One relatively inexpensive yet effective option is to place a charcoal briquette under one roommate’s pillow while he or she sleeps. The victim will unknowingly inhale noxious fumes throughout the night, resulting in severe depression, confusion, memory loss, and headaches for the rest of his or her life. This will send a clear message to the other roommates, as well, and land you a stress free year at the top of the pack.

3. Don’t be a square! Everyone knows that if most people are ok with something, you’d be a fucking nerd to think otherwise. Qualms are for old people, virgins, and that person you met at orientation whose calls you never answer. The majority of people wouldn’t do something if it wasn’t a good idea. Furthermore, if it wasn’t a good idea, most people wouldn’t do it. If you’re trying to refute that logic, I advise you to give up now and go back to studying, you fucking pussy.

4. Spend as much time as possible on Facebook. Some people think Facebook does nothing but promote a creepy blend of marturbatory self-exaltation and antisocial voyeurism. These people and their tiny dicks can jump off a cliff. See point #3.

5. Go Greek! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say again: with free friends, you get what you pay for. Upgrade to a premium social caste where the Natty Light flows like your alcoholic father’s drunken tears at Thanksgiving. It may seem like hell when someone’s pissing in your face while you do bows and toes on bottle caps, but hang in there! The psychological trauma will only last until a decade after your mid-life crisis, but the friendships will last until you outgrow them.

6. Avoid dorm bathrooms at all costs. If you’re like me, you’ll be tempted to break down and use the shower down the hall or attached to your dorm room every once in a while. DON’T! Everyone knows that college showers are cesspools of staph viruses and undiscovered strains of gonorrhea. It may seem daunting to travel back to your parents place every time you need to shower (especially for all you out-of-staters), but trust me, the extra hours of commuting are well worth it.

7. Read The Weekly Hangover. It’s really really really really good.

Softcoremac McCarthy is a three-time freshman and author of the 2008 best seller “The Letter Fuck.” He is currently studying Rhinocology at the University of Tennessee.

Professor extinguishes class excitement in record 86 seconds

Already a distinguished lot, UT’s faculty can now boast yet another international recognition: English professor Jeremy McClain has broken the Guinness World Record time for completely eliminating a class’s excitement for the upcoming semester.

“Those cocksuckers never knew what hit them,” said an adrenaline-flushed McClain, shaking hands with a Guinness representative as he received his reward. “I live for this shit.”

At 8:00:00 Wednesday morning, 26 unsuspecting students sat in McClain’s Technical Writing 350 class, eager to find out what they would be learning, who would be teaching it, and what friends they might make over the next fifteen weeks. However, by 8:00:26, McClain had already handed out the syllabus and explained the daily 500 word assignments.

By 8:00:49, he finished explaining his draconian one-absence and zero tolerance food/drink policies, all in an unintelligible mumble as he stared at his shoes. By 8:01:11, the distinguished professor had informed students that each of the three textbooks for his major-required class cost over $100.

Finally, when McClain angrily informed a student that walked in at 8:01:26 that he would be dropped from the course for his first-day tardiness, and the world record was his.

“It was incredible,” said visibly dejected senior Jonathan Stow. “I usually last a week or two before it dawns on me that I have months of all-nighters and term papers ahead of me. That son of bitch hit me with a hard dose of reality almost instantly. I’ve never seen a professor wipe the smiles off students’ faces with that kind of brute efficiency.”

McClain attributed his success to thorough preparation and a particularly naïve class of English students. He reportedly arrived to class an hour early, shutting the windows to heat up the room, testing the acoustics to maximize vocal obfuscation, and arranging the desks such that no two students sat close enough to conveniently strike up a conversation.

“As for the undergrads I was working with,” McClain said referring to the high percentage of literature and creative writing concentrations in the class. “It was like shooting a liberal arts major in a barrel. What a bunch of fucking chumps.”

McClain says that he plans to use his award money to found an international non-profit providing education to third-world countries, in order to “take [his] game to the next level.”

All writing and reporting by Softcoremac McCarthy

Totally lame zombies just want to talk about the environment

When marauding hoards of the undead descended upon Market Square Friday, shoppers and diners ran screaming for their lives before sheepishly realizing this particular gang of reanimated corpses just wanted to talk about clean energy.

“One of them tapped on my shoulder, and my life flashed before my eyes,” said 43-year-old Elizabeth Smith, who was dining at the Tomato Head at the time of the non-apocalypse. “But instead of ripping my throat out with its teeth, it just handed me some literature and asked me how I felt about nuclear power.” (more…)

Harry Potter enthusiast just about to ruin this movie

As the 12:01 showing of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 2” continues, those seated near University of Tennessee sophomore and avid Harry Potter fanboy Brian Hall have “had just about enough of this guy.”

“I knew we were going to have problems when he smirked loudly made a comment about that goblin (Griphook) not actually making a deal with Harry in the book,” said Liz Powers, during a more than willing to be made trip to fill everyone’s popcorn buckets and drinks. “I can stand missing a few minutes to get away from that asshole.”

Hall has reportedly so far made numerous comments about the film, pointing out inaccuracies and interjecting lame jokes in between dialogue, and loudly detailing his “spot on” Death Eater costume to those around him.

Oh my God, I can’t believe he’s actually doing that,” said friend David Miller as Hall leaned over the seat in front of him to show off his self painted Death Eater tattoo. “I’m so embarrassed for that kid.”

Miller went on to explain how, even on the ride to the theater, he was already questioning his decision to include Hall on the trip.

“He’s the only one that came with us that’s read the books, but it didn’t seem to stop him from trying to discuss how well the movie was going to match up,” said Miller. “From the looks of things so far, it isn’t meeting his standards.”

Miller also added that, on top of talking about what was wrong already in the trailer, Hall held no reserve in spoiling the ending for the rest of the car. “So don’t worry, I’ve already braced myself for the slew of people that are supposed to die in the next few scenes.”

With an hour still left of the film, and a cry towards the screen by Hall stressing the lack of involvement by Albus Dumbledore’s brother in the book compared to the movie having just been made, the surrounding crowd braces themselves for a completely ruined experience by the time the credits roll.

–All writing and reporting by Malcolm Sex

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