Category archives for: News

Professor extinguishes class excitement in record 86 seconds

Already a distinguished lot, UT’s faculty can now boast yet another international recognition: English professor Jeremy McClain has broken the Guinness World Record time for completely eliminating a class’s excitement for the upcoming semester.

“Those cocksuckers never knew what hit them,” said an adrenaline-flushed McClain, shaking hands with a Guinness representative as he received his reward. “I live for this shit.”

At 8:00:00 Wednesday morning, 26 unsuspecting students sat in McClain’s Technical Writing 350 class, eager to find out what they would be learning, who would be teaching it, and what friends they might make over the next fifteen weeks. However, by 8:00:26, McClain had already handed out the syllabus and explained the daily 500 word assignments.

By 8:00:49, he finished explaining his draconian one-absence and zero tolerance food/drink policies, all in an unintelligible mumble as he stared at his shoes. By 8:01:11, the distinguished professor had informed students that each of the three textbooks for his major-required class cost over $100.

Finally, when McClain angrily informed a student that walked in at 8:01:26 that he would be dropped from the course for his first-day tardiness, and the world record was his.

“It was incredible,” said visibly dejected senior Jonathan Stow. “I usually last a week or two before it dawns on me that I have months of all-nighters and term papers ahead of me. That son of bitch hit me with a hard dose of reality almost instantly. I’ve never seen a professor wipe the smiles off students’ faces with that kind of brute efficiency.”

McClain attributed his success to thorough preparation and a particularly naïve class of English students. He reportedly arrived to class an hour early, shutting the windows to heat up the room, testing the acoustics to maximize vocal obfuscation, and arranging the desks such that no two students sat close enough to conveniently strike up a conversation.

“As for the undergrads I was working with,” McClain said referring to the high percentage of literature and creative writing concentrations in the class. “It was like shooting a liberal arts major in a barrel. What a bunch of fucking chumps.”

McClain says that he plans to use his award money to found an international non-profit providing education to third-world countries, in order to “take [his] game to the next level.”

All writing and reporting by Softcoremac McCarthy

Totally lame zombies just want to talk about the environment

When marauding hoards of the undead descended upon Market Square Friday, shoppers and diners ran screaming for their lives before sheepishly realizing this particular gang of reanimated corpses just wanted to talk about clean energy.

“One of them tapped on my shoulder, and my life flashed before my eyes,” said 43-year-old Elizabeth Smith, who was dining at the Tomato Head at the time of the non-apocalypse. “But instead of ripping my throat out with its teeth, it just handed me some literature and asked me how I felt about nuclear power.” (more…)

Harry Potter enthusiast just about to ruin this movie

As the 12:01 showing of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 2” continues, those seated near University of Tennessee sophomore and avid Harry Potter fanboy Brian Hall have “had just about enough of this guy.”

“I knew we were going to have problems when he smirked loudly made a comment about that goblin (Griphook) not actually making a deal with Harry in the book,” said Liz Powers, during a more than willing to be made trip to fill everyone’s popcorn buckets and drinks. “I can stand missing a few minutes to get away from that asshole.”

Hall has reportedly so far made numerous comments about the film, pointing out inaccuracies and interjecting lame jokes in between dialogue, and loudly detailing his “spot on” Death Eater costume to those around him.

Oh my God, I can’t believe he’s actually doing that,” said friend David Miller as Hall leaned over the seat in front of him to show off his self painted Death Eater tattoo. “I’m so embarrassed for that kid.”

Miller went on to explain how, even on the ride to the theater, he was already questioning his decision to include Hall on the trip.

“He’s the only one that came with us that’s read the books, but it didn’t seem to stop him from trying to discuss how well the movie was going to match up,” said Miller. “From the looks of things so far, it isn’t meeting his standards.”

Miller also added that, on top of talking about what was wrong already in the trailer, Hall held no reserve in spoiling the ending for the rest of the car. “So don’t worry, I’ve already braced myself for the slew of people that are supposed to die in the next few scenes.”

With an hour still left of the film, and a cry towards the screen by Hall stressing the lack of involvement by Albus Dumbledore’s brother in the book compared to the movie having just been made, the surrounding crowd braces themselves for a completely ruined experience by the time the credits roll.

–All writing and reporting by Malcolm Sex

The Walnut’s Top Seven Healthy Study Snacks

If you’re a UT student, it’s crucial to remember to keep your study energy up with some of Hodges Library’s nutritious food choices. This list will help you find the healthiest, tastiest options and keep away those nagging exam-time munchies.

1. Pizza-flavored Combos: This tasty treat gives you all the health benefits of pizza: tomatoes, cheese, pepperoni, and bread all in a convenient pretzel-wrapped chalky paste.

2. Strawberry Poptart: This delicious snack provides all the health benefits of strawberries, everyone’s favorite fruit. Strawberries are also currently in season, so the Poptarts are extra fresh.

3. Peach rings: Peaches are high in Vitamin C, which is great for your skin. All you have to do is wipe the sugar dust off your face, and your beautiful skin will glow.

4. Chef Boyardee ravioli: The protein from the meat-like filling satisfies your hunger, and the fresh tomato from the sauce is an excellent source of Vitamin A, which prevents blindness. After sitting for eight hours three inches away from a library computer screen, your eyes will thank you for the healthy boost!

5. Apple Jacks: Apples are believed to reduce the risk of lung cancer. So Apple Jacks, besides being delicious, will help offset the carcinogens of your stress-induced chain smoking.

6. Starbucks glazed donut: This sweet treat is from Starbucks, so it has to be healthy. It gives you a whopping 2% of your recommended daily calcium intake, so feel free to eat about 50 of them to make your bones nice and strong. You’ll need strong bones to carry around that big brain of yours and the extra 21,000 calories.

7. Bass Pro Shop cheese/meat combo: This snack is a super convenient 2-for-1: you get the calcium from the cheese substance and the protein from the meat substance at the same time. And they top it all off with dripping meaty cheese grease. Delicious and nutritious!

–All writing and reporting by Penultimate Warrior

Bored journalists of the world to take a few months off

Citing a complete lack of news, journalists in the U.S. and abroad have announced an industry-wide hiatus until, as New York Times writer Jonathan Richmond put it, “something friggin’ happens.”

“It’s like 2011 is some kind of historical void,” said Richmond. “We keep waiting for an important event that more than like twelve people will care about, but the dry spell just won’t end.”

Experts agree that absolutely nothing of significance has occurred for nearly five months, citing WikiLeaks’ November 2010 Cablegate as the last “halfway interesting, I guess” event worldwide. Journalists have announced plans to visit family, travel, and cross their fingers for some kind of revolution spree, natural disaster, nuclear accident, celebrity breakdown, or celebrity marriage during their time off. Or, as CNN correspondent Dan Hickson sarcastically remarked, “Maybe someone will kill Osama bin Laden.”

Fraternity feud sparks beautifully choreographed altercation

The long-standing turf war between Pi Kappa Alpha and Alpha Tau Omega came to a head Thursday afternoon when members of both fraternities burst into an all-out dance-off.

The battle began when graffiti on the Strip reading “Pike RULZ!” was altered to say, “Pikes STINK!” by an alleged member of ATO. A member of PKA witnessed the defacing of the graffiti and became enraged, witnesses claim.

“The Pike, surrounded by his crew, walked up to the ATO and started snapping menacingly,” said one witness. “He jerked his thumb back and said, ‘Beat it, kid.’ The Tau glared for a moment, then double pirouetted and grand jetéd over to join the rest of his gang. That’s when I thought, ‘Aw snap, this is a dance-off.’”

Both sides exchanged excited banter within their groups, with points being emphasized every so often with particularly enthusiastic jazz hands.

“We’re gonna beat every last buggin’ gang on the whole buggin’ street,” said ATO president Mike Wagner, a senior studying finance.

In response, PKA president Tyler Brehner, a senior studying finance, began a chorus of, “When you’re a Pike you’re a Pike all the way from your first pirouette to your last dyin’ day!”

Zealous calls of, “Sock ‘em!” and, “We’re the top cats in town!” were heard from both sides as they chaînéd into the Tin Roof to begin the rumble.

The Pikes and the ATOs eventually approached each other on the dance floor, stepping to the beat of their simultaneous snaps.

The Pikes reportedly made the first move with a group pirouette and sashay, ending with a high kick from 2nd position. ATO responded to the brutal onslaught with a triple fouetté, a 10-second one-handed lift, jazz hands, and sinister glares.

The scene eventually got so vicious that shirts came untucked, sunglasses were de-croakied, and multiple pompadours were mussed. That’s when UTPD came in to break the battle up.

“No civilians were harmed as a result of this brutal dance-off between the members of Pi Kappa Alpha and Alpha Tau Omega,” said a UTPD statement following the incident. “The University of Tennessee will continue to enforce its zero-tolerance policy toward dance battles until this sassy gang hostility ends.”

–All writing and reporting by Penultimate Warrior

Flash storm leaves ped. walkway statue tragically intact

Heavy winds caused this tree on the 2200 block of Laurel Ave. to destroy something that we would not have all been better off without anyway.

As Knoxville residents struggle with power outages, traffic jams, and expensive damages caused by yesterday’s flash thunderstorm, patrons of UT’s campus face yet another tragedy—“A Startling Whirlwind of Opportunity”, the metal sculpture in UT’s pedestrian mall, remains standing, completely unharmed.

“The windshield of my car was shattered by a tree limb, and my cat’s still missing,” said UT junior Amy Fitzpatrick. “But, worst of all, I still have to walk by that piece of glowing industrial park scrap metal every day.”

When the storm hit Knoxville at approximately 6:30 p.m. Monday evening, some residents held out hope for the piece.

“I figured it might get winged by flying debris, or maybe destroyed by looters,” said freshman Ryan Merle. “Unfortunately, looks like that thing is well made.”

Merle went on to clarify that he was speaking from a purely structural rather than aesthetic point of view.

The statue’s tragic non-destruction, however, has inspired some Knoxvillians. Yesterday evening, hundreds of students, faculty, and staff gathered for a vigil held in honor of the piece’s unrealized obliteration.

“Every dark cloud has a silver lining,” explained one of the event’s organizers, senior Kristen Dunkle. “Tragic as this has all been, at least UT doesn’t have a chance to build something even uglier.”

–All writing and reporting by Softcoremac McCarthy

Student forgets about Spring Recess, thinks he missed the Rapture

UT sophomore John Levine experienced a scare last Friday when, after spending all day alone on campus, he thought he had missed the second coming of Christ.

Everything seemed normal until he sat down in his first class. After 15 minutes, no one else had arrived. Levine checked his email to make sure the professor didn’t cancel class. He didn’t have any emails, and stayed the full 50 minutes just to be safe.

When his next class was empty as well, Singleton began to worry.  He left his classroom and roamed into Hodges looking for some sign of life. He saw no one sleeping in the library chairs. He ran up Pedestrian Walkway and saw no kids sitting on the vent smoking outside Clarence Brown Theater or anybody passing out Bible study fliers near Hess.

Desperate and confused, he ran back to his dorm to consult the Internet. He googled, “where has everybody gone,” to try and find some answers. After scrolling through twenty pages of song lyrics and poetry blogs, Levine discovered

“At first I got to the site and couldn’t believe my eyes,” recounted Levine. “I clicked on ‘Rapture Ready News’ and read the most recent signs in the news that the Rapture was coming: predator drones, killer asteroids, God particles, Russians. And the Rapture Index was at 184 – well into the ‘Fasten your seat belts!’ area of the Rapture spectrum. That’s when I knew for sure: I missed Jesus’s second coming.”

Turns out he hadn’t. Levine spent the next two days curled up in the fetal position under his desk, drifting in and out of a restless sleep. Sunday afternoon his roommate returned to Levine’s dorm dorm, and Levine discovered his mistake.

“It was freaky, man,” roommate Mark Foster said about finding Levine under the desk. “He had some serious B.O. and looked like he hadn’t slept all weekend. When he saw me, he slowly got out from under the desk and groped my face to make sure I was real or something. It was weird.”

Levine laughed when he figured it all out. “I should have known!” exclaimed Levine. “This is actually the third time this has happened.”

–By writing and reporting by Penultimate Warrior

SGA 2011 campaigns most expensive ever

Candidates from the Reach campaign, winners of last week’s election for the UT Student Government Association, have set a new record for campaign fundraising with an estimated $1.5 billion spent on donuts, coffee, bottled water, T-shirts, and Little Debbie snack cakes, as well as a total of 850,000 hours of radio and television advertisements across the United States.

Lindy Grawth, Reach’s 2011 campaign manager, reported that the party spent 50% of its campaign budget ($750,000,000) on hot dogs and another 25% on  Kuzies and bumper stickers.

Donations to both Reach and its opposition party, Spark, poured in as big oil companies, Wall Street banks, health insurance companies and other powerful interest groups took advantage of the 2010 Citizens United Supreme Court decision, enabling corporations and unions to make direct financial contributions to meaningless resume padding.

“Money speaks,” said Jamie Dimon, C.E.O. of JPMorgan Chase, the top corporate donater in this year’s election, contributing one-third of the total funds raised by Reach. “And our voices have been silenced long enough. I think I speak on behalf of all of corporate America when I say that it’s about time the government stopped limiting the political speech of corporations and started insuring our fundamental right to throw as much money as we want at utterly insignificant political shenanigans in American universities.”

In previous years, UT has maintained a $7,250 cap on all student government campaigns. 2011 marks the first year that this cap has been lifted, and the result has been a 20689555% increase from the amount raised last year by SGA campaigns.

Reactions have been mixed among the 7% of UT students who actually vote in SGA elections. One lone student protested outside the library on election day with a sign that read “Keep big-money interests out of our school” but was forced to leave when a rambunctious group of over thirty people in matching Reach T-shirts began playing ultimate Frisbee along the entire extent of the pedestrian walkway. However, the majority of voters seem unfazed by the amount of money spent on this year’s campaigns.

“After all, who can say no to a hot dog? Not me—and that’s why I voted for Reach!” said freshman Rutt Jefferson, political science major and first time voter in SGA elections.

UT economists estimate that this year’s campaign fundraising likely exceeded any amount of money ever spent on any school election anywhere to date.

–All writing and reporting by Esther Tuttle

Revolt looms after anti-UT Parking self-immolation

In a move designed to spark unrest in the student population, undergraduate Martin Hewitt committed suicide by self-immolation yesterday in the staff parking lot by the Andy Holt garage.

Police say the incident occurred hours after Hewitt’s car was towed for the twenty-third time.  According to sources, Martin became infuriated to find his car towed yet again and vowed to make a statement.

“He just kept saying ‘They’ve targeted me for the last time, man, the last time,’” reported Hewitt’s close friend, Bob Dodson. “Then he ran off to the library. Next thing I know he’s on fire in the parking lot.”

Once in the library, Hewitt apparently recorded a video of himself and posted it online. The footage, available on Hewitt’s long-running blog, consists of Hewitt shouting a long list of grievances against UT Parking and Transit Services, including “giving more than one ticket while I’m parked in the same fucking spot,” “charging a shit ton for a parking pass,” and “those fucking yellow curbs.”

The self-immolation was not the first anti-UT Parking and Transit Services activism staged by Hewitt, who fellow students claim has “definitely got a reputation as an activist.”

“We all live under UT Parking and Transit Services’ Thumb, you know?” said a self-professed admirer of Hewitt’s, who asked not to be identified. “But none of us were willing to do anything about it. Martin was the only one with the guts to fight the man, to try to take him down.”

Hewitt was known for posting long, angry rants in popular anti-UT Parking and Transit Services chatrooms. “UT Parking and Transit Services r drunk w/ power & grinding us under they’re [sic] boots…if we don’t have the right 2 park in a handicap zone what rights do we have left,” ran one such post.

“Eloquent, man,” responded a member of the forum. “Beautiful. You should send it to the Beacon.”

Hewitt’s suicide has magnified the discontented rumblings of the University’s driving population. Anti-UT Parking and Transit Services graffiti covers most of campus, and a peaceful anti-UT Parking and Transit Services riot turned violent yesterday evening.

These student activists and conspirators hail Hewitt as a martyr.

“Not just anyone would have done what he did,” said Jennifer Draper, eyes glowing with disturbing intensity. “He suffered to fight the oppressors. Now it’s time for them to suffer, whether they want to or not.”

When pressed for comment, UT Parking and Transit Services officers insist that the campus region is stable and that violent police response will be kept to a minimum.

–All writing and reporting by Julius Seizure

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