Category archives for: ALL THINGS AARON CARTER

Facebook community reeling in wake of somber status update

Immediately following the posting of what is being described as “the most heart-breaking Facebook status ever”, UT junior Brian Wallace has been continuously bombarded with sentiments from friends and family in hopes of bringing up his spirits.

Wallace posted the status Thursday evening, which read: “Having a terrible night. Wondering who my real friends are.” It has reportedly received seven likes, twenty-three comments, and served as a catalyst for a frenzy of private messages and texts offering condolences.

High school friend Sarah Rooke, a frequent commenter of Wallace’s postings, was particularly disheartened.

“I couldn’t just sit there and do nothing,” said Rooke. “He was clearly in pain. I had to step in.”

Sarah went on to mention that, on top of liking the status, she put an additional four brackets on the frowny face in the comment she left, in hopes of showing the magnitude of her sorrow.

Wallace’s parents, who had an emergency Skype meeting with their son after reading the post, are reportedly “very concerned,” but appreciate all the support their son has received from the Facebook community.

“It’s so hard having our Brian away at college,” said his mother Tina. “I like to think that our nightly Skype dates and phone calls help, but there’s only so much we can do from here. It’s nice to see his friends are there for him.”

While Wallace was unavailable for comment at press time, friends say that he is doing much better, and is grateful all the support.

“He would never ask for all this attention, so it’s good to see people taking initiative,” said ex-girlfriend and UT freshman Rachel Baker. “I hope that in my time of need, my friends would do the same for me.”

At press time, the most recent comment on Wallace’s Facebook wall, left by Facebook friend Ethan Stiles, requested Wallace “try and stop being a mondo bitch.” The comment has so far received twelve “likes.”

–All writing and reporting by Forever Malone

Local student thinks he has “opportunity”

As the economic state of affairs in the land of liberty remains, as economist and Nobel prize laureate Paul Krugman calls it, “shitty, man,” one UT student believes he can “go out and achieve.”

As the Bureau of Labor Statistics reported in January, the unemployment rate for workers aged 16 to 24 rests at the ungodly height of 21 percent. Nevertheless, Stephen Dow, senior, is remarkably unfazed by his depressing odds.

“Statistics are just numbers,” claims Stephen, who is majoring in Marketing with an emphasis in “Advertising to the Senile.” “All that matters,” continues Stephen,” is this right here [gesturing to his left breast pocket]. This, and cajones. I’ve got both in really, really large degrees. Hehe, that totally sounded like I was saying I have a big penis—but back to the point: I’ve got heart—that’s all that matters in this country.”

When asked how he planned on entering the job market in a time where many graduates find themselves recoursing to menial work in the absence of full-time employment he retorted, “People are just lazy. That’s the problem with the world, everybody’s unmotivated and cashing in on the government’s support. If they worked hard—like me—they would get what they want—like me again. Now that I think about it, nobody has a good excuse for not being me.”

Mr. Dow’s charisma and unabashed certainty sparked the inquiry of what it would take for those less fortunate to get what they economically wanted out of life.

“Two things. One: the bums working 80 hours a week between two jobs, hardly seeing their kids and neglecting their spouses, probably causing great psychological distress, all to make ends meet, are not less fortunate. They just picked really stupid jobs. Three, two, or whatever number I’m on: My whole life the reason I’ve been better than everyone else is because I work so hard. The fact that I grew up in a stable household in the suburbs, devoid of domestic disturbance—the likes of which are enough to terrify and cause life-long trauma to any child in the middle of it—and never personally having to work to help support my family, thus neglecting my school work, and, now, having my parents pay for my college tuition—none of these trivialities helped me in the least get to where I am today other than old-fashioned—America’s backbone—hard work and elbow grease.”

A follow up review of Mr. Dow was conducted six weeks after his graduation. Mr. Dow has since moved back in with his parents, developed a receding hair line, and is currently employed at the local YMCA where he spends his time wiping adolescents’ saliva off basketballs and occasionally doing the facility’s towel laundry.

–All writing and reporting by Partly Pilgrim

‘Lady Vols’ basketball program revealed as elaborate hoax

Recently leaked internal documents from the UT athletic department confirm that the school’s “Lady Volunteers” basketball team is nothing more than a complex hoax manufactured by UT administrators. The documents confirm years of suspicion that the so-called Lady Vols’ purpose was never to compete athletically, but rather to lend a false sense of significance to NCAA athletics.

Some supporters were shocked by the announcement.

“I love the Lady Vols!” said UT freshman and self-proclaimed Lady Vols fan Victoria Martin. “But, come to think of it, I’ve never been to a game. Or watched a game on TV. Or read more than the first paragraph of a newspaper article about them.”

The documents revealed that all Lady Vols players, coaches, and assistants are in fact paid actors that work with a team of publicists, photographers, and videographers to create the appearance of an actual basketball team.

Jordan Mackelroy, the actor who has portrayed Pat Summitt for the past 37 years, is actually a 72-year-old German grandfather of four, who moved to Knoxville in 1962 after a brief stint on Broadway.

UT athletic director Mike Hamilton spoke on the controversy at a press conference Wednesday.

“The NCAA is not just a tuition-funded mechanism for molding the physically gifted into freaks of nature that will one day earn sports entrepreneurs billions of dollars by performing tasks with no purpose other than distracting the masses from issues that actually affect people’s lives,” said Hamilton. “Or at least that’s the idea we were trying to spread through the Lady Volunteers propaganda program. Hell, without saying that we offer all the altruistic benefits of college athletics to women, we might seem like we were doing the whole thing for the money.”

Some fans, such as 25-year season-ticket-holder Dwayne Smothers, were less than surprised by the leaked documents.

“I just love putting on my orange jacket and cap once a week and sitting in the big stadium. I don’t even really care if there’s no basketball going on below me.” said Smothers. “What’s the alternative—a quiet evening at home with the wife and kids?”

–All writing and reporting bySoftcoremac McCarthy

Religion given up for Lent

UT sophomore Tyler Phillips announced Wednesday morning that he is giving up his faith in the Catholic Church, Christianity, and possibly God for at least the next forty days in honor of Great Lent.

“Lent has always been a time for me to really try and focus on my spiritual life, and work out the deep, gnawing issues that I’m usually too distracted to think about much,” said Phillips of the traditional fast leading up to Easter. “Without blind faith in a Church that marginalizes women and homosexuals in order to protect lying child-molesters, I’m looking forward to some real personal growth.”

Phillips’ family members and friends have urged Phillips to reconsider, suggesting that perhaps he hadn’t been attending church services or reading the Bible often enough to fully grasp the spiritual necessity of blind submission to authoritarian religious doctrine. Phillips’ father even went so far as to suggest that his son “probably hasn’t even read the latest Left Behind book”. Phillips, however, is adamant about abstaining from delusions of guaranteed eternal life, philosophical self-degradation, and the belief that a human being that was literally God roamed the Earth for 33 years.

“I knew I wanted to give something up, and this just felt right,” said Phillips.

Phillips’ roommate Joshua Raymond, with whom Phillips attended mass every Sunday for the past two years, is giving up Doritos.

–All writing and reporting by Softcoremac McCarthy

UT to integrate Hodges Library

Chancellor Jimmy Cheek announced Monday morning that UT has selected April 4, 2011 as the tentative date for the integration of John C. Hodges Library.

After integration, African American students will no longer be forced to sit in large, homogenous groups in the North Commons. Students of Asian descent will similarly be permitted to venture outside of the study rooms alone, rather than in the huddled groups of 3-5 they are currently required by school rules to travel in. They will also be allowed to speak English. Finally, Caucasians will be escorted from their sequestered colonies in the library stacks by members of the National Guard and mixed in with the rest of UT’s student body.

Cheek ended his integration announcement by assuring reporters that the one “crazy-looking old bald guy with the thick glasses and dirty orange UT windbreaker” will be henceforth encouraged to hurriedly roam between more rooms than his current route entails, enabling a more diverse population of students to make fun of him.

When asked for comment, the Commons’ student lab assistants stared blankly at reporters and mumbled unintelligibly before reinserting their ear buds and turning their attention back to online Tetris. Dean of Libraries Pam Whitaker, however, praised the integration, calling it “long overdue”.

“This should drastically diffuse the Styrofoam cups of dip spit that currently pop up in pockets of 15-20 throughout the fourth and fifth floor study carrels. You know, where those nice, well-dressed boys with the expensive sunglasses and golf hats sit,” said Whitaker. “I also expect the booming exclamations of ‘you mothafucka!’ to also become more evenly distributed through Hodges, which will be real nice for the two people at any given moment that are actually doing something productive in the Commons.”

–All writing and reporting bySoftcoremac McCarthy

Dance with local drunk man refused by “total bitch”

Jeremy Bonner, a UT senior studying marketing, was visibly upset and intoxicated Saturday night as he left local hot spot Southbound after being refused a dance by a “total bitch.”

“I mean, I bought this girl an LIT. That shit’s not cheap,” Bonner said. “I spent at least six bucks of the money my dad put on my card today on her. The least she could do after that is rub up on me until the end of the ‘Thong Song’.”

According to Bonner’s friends who witnessed the rejection, the girl was not worth the six bucks he blew, despite her “totally nice ass”.

This is not the type of gamble that Bonner is used to losing. He prides himself on his self-proclaimed “slut sense,” and it’s usually dead-on, he says. According to Bonner, his rejection rate is “like, rarely ever.”

He has said that he and his friends have developed a foolproof method for spotting a girl who is likely to respond well to a cheap drink.

“Dude, you know you can just tell when a girl’s down,” Bonner said. “I mean, the ones who come in here wearing cardigans and shit, don’t even waste a $2 beer on them. You know you’re not gettin’ anywhere. You gotta find the girls with that look in their eye—that kinda glazed-over stare that tells you she’s at least five drinks deep and one more’s gonna be the closer. Then you buy that one more and BOOM! End-o story-o.”

Apparently his method wasn’t proving successful Saturday evening, as this was not Bonner’s only rejection of the night. He had previously bought a round of shots for “some blond chick and her ugly friend.” It seemed as if things were going his way until the ugly friend heard the d.j. drop her favorite tune and dragged the blond to the dance floor.

Bonner did admit that his boys had been able to keep him focused despite such harsh rejections.

“Yeah, I just told him to keep his eyes on the prize,” said Don Hannaker, a junior studying marketing. “There’s so many other girls in here who will get down for a $6 LIT. My boy isn’t missing out on anything.”

The “total bitch”, however, appeared to be the final straw for an increasingly drunk and sexually frustrated Bonner.

“I just don’t see how that bitch could resist me,” Bonner said. “I’m the hottest thing she’s gonna get around here. Total butterface, man. She’s lucky I even gave her attention.”

Out of patience and near the credit limit on the card provided him by his father, Bonner decided it was time to call it a night. “What the fuck ever, man. I’ll pick up like three girls on my way back to the car.”

Contrary to these claims, Bonner was not able to pick up even one girl on his way back to his car. However, observers did note that Bonner stopped to ask a man outside if he wanted to “come back to the crib and chill.” The man politely declined.

–All writing and reporting by Goodness Gracious

Campus bros establish “Bombs Not Food” counter-organization

Logan Giles, a 21-year-old UT student, used to claim that when it came to politics, he “just didn’t care.” That is, until last Monday—when he stumbled into a group of students rallying outside UT’s HSS building with home-made signs showing support for democracy and human rights in Egypt and the Middle East.

“That’s when it hit me, that if a bunch of hippies and gay-tards can pull themselves together to organize for positive change, what’s holding people like me back from orchestrating a counter-movement?” said Giles, a junior in Corporate Management with a minor in Exploitation Studies. “What our community needs is a group of students that are dedicated to core American values like the preservation of an elitist class and the expansion of neoliberal, colonialist practices. ’Bombs Not Food’ is an attempt to remind Knoxvillians that violence and aggression are the only tools we have for protecting our resources and increasing the domain of our power. Feeding hungry poor people is definitely a step in the wrong direction—when we need to be focusing all of our time and energy on promoting the strength of our military presence throughout the world.”

Bombs Not Food, which takes its name from flip-flopping the rhetoric, ideals, and word order of an older grass-roots organization called “Food Not Bombs,” will hold its first action next week outside the library as Bombs Not Food activists rally for U.S. nuclear armament.

“Our organization aims to tackle two major issues,” says Carson Freck, Giles’ close friend and co-founder of Bombs Not Food. “First of all, we need more bombs and weapons, and we really need to expand our military control to a few more countries. Secondly, we need to stop giving away free shit, because that’s not how capitalism flies. And I swear to God I won’t sit still and watch my country go down the same path as the Commies or the Scandinavians.”

Freck and Giles say that although Bombs Not Food is still a small movement, they hope that  by this summer they will have enough momentum for a big campaign to eradicate food stamps. And in early March, members will organize phone-banking to ask representatives to vote for a bill that would eliminate free school lunches provided to elementary school children below the poverty line.

Giles added that he is excited to begin working on Bombs Not Food’s new website, which so far only has a few quotes from Machiavelli and a picture of “Little Boy”, the beloved atomic bomb dropped by the US on Hiroshima in 1945.

–All writing and reporting by Esther Tuttle

Mediocre, mid-level bands promised for Volapalooza 2011

In a statement issued by the University of Tennessee’s Campus Entertainment Board earlier this week, Chairman Ethan Young reported to students that the Volapalooza lineup is going to be “about what you’d expect, if not significantly less.”

In recent years, Volapalooza has showcased a plethora of somewhat buzzworthy artists, including electro-pop sensation Passion Pit and emo alt rockers Dashboard Confessional. CEB’s advisor, Megan Hargrove, assured everyone that this coming spring’s lineup would be no different.

“I mean, we can only do so much,” said Hargrove. “We try to give the students what they want. You know, just not all of them.”

Hargrove went on to explain that the board holds no abashment for artists booked in previous years, and stressed that students need to remind themselves what university they attend prior to voting for bands.

“Flaming Lips? Kanye West? Phish?” said Hargrove, regarding some of the student picks from the online ballot last fall. “Where the fuck do they think they are, Vanderbilt?”

Despite the CEB’s insistence that they are doing their best to obtain relevant musicians for the festival’s lineup, students persistently express dissent to the entertainment the board has to offer. Daniel Vaughn, a senior at UT majoring in French cinema, insists that a stellar Volapalooza set is unattainable.

“I can’t recall who has played the last few years, but I’m sure they were awful,” said Vaughn. “A school sponsored concert? I can only imagine what sort of sell-out, mainstream band would play that, not to mention what sort of sell-out, mainstream human would attend it.”

Although the event is not held in high regard with many, there are some who highly anticipate Volapalooza, such as UT junior and self-proclaimed “music connoisseur” Zack Bigbie.

“Some people are just stupid,” said Bigbie. “I’ve got no complaints. Bands like Gym Class Heroes and Asher Roth get lots of radio play, so they’re clearly talented musicians.”

“Passion Pit would be the exception though,” he added. “They sound pretty faggot.”

While the lineup for Volapalooza 2011 had not been released at press time, Chairman Young wanted to remind students that “if they expect the worst, they will not be disappointed.”

–All writing and reporting by Forever Malone

Fraternity celebrates successful charity event with extra date rape

Applause rang out from a crowd assembled on the lawn of the Tau Lambda Sigma house Friday afternoon, as the group announced the success of their 28th annual “Pork Out” fundraiser. Fraternity members solicited donations based on the amount of roasted hog they could eat in two hours for the event, which brought in over $10,000 for St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital and is expected (along with Hawaiian  punch, Everclear, watermelon-flavored vodka, and trace amounts of Rohypnol) to bring Tau Lambda members record levels of nonconsensual coitus.

“We’d like to thank our families, friends, and community for giving so much to the fine folks at St. Jude,” said fraternity president Tyler Sutherland, a senior studying finance. “Also, we’d like to thank the host of females at UT who, through a combination of naiveté, poor judgment, and general lack of thought, will probably not think twice when we hand them Roofie Coladas tonight at our ‘Beach Bums and Slutty Female Beach Bums’ party.”

“Pork Out” has been an annual tradition within UT’s chapter of Tau Lambda since the group’s then-philanthropy coordinator Gary Shneider hit a particularly bad dry spell in 1983.

“After the fall semester, the go-to tricks would always stop working,” Schneider told reporters after the event. “Drive-in movies and bathtub gin would get the job done until October, but as the weather faded, so did my odds. I knew I had to do something, so I came up with ‘Pork Out’. It was an instant success. Not to mention the cancer money.”

Schneider proceeded to wink at reporters as he gracefully passed his hand over the punch cup of Tracy Hinson (whose son Mark is in the fraternity’s fall 2011 pledge class) before walking away with his wife Doreen.

Certain “Pork Out” feats have even become the stuff of legend among Tau Lambda alumni.

“I remember back in ’92 when Blazer ate seven pounds of hog,” recalled Stephen Laughner, a fraternity alumnus who graduated with a degree in finance in 1995. “He had to go to the hospital for iron poisoning, but he STILL managed to fuck three wasted sluts that night. Classic.”

Those new to the fraternity, like recent pledgee Ryan Bledsoe, are already seeing the event’s profound effect on the community.

“It’s awesome so see everyone come together and rally around such an inspiring cause,” said Bledsoe, a freshman studying finance. “And this year has been phenomenal. We’ve raised more money for dying children than ever before, which feels just amazing. Hell, who knows—I might not even have to bust out the expensive stuff.”

–All writing and reporting by Softcoremac McCarthy

Christmas lights not taken down

Multiple reports have confirmed that the Christmas lights in sophomore Russ Eddleman’s Fort Sanders area apartment remain on prominent display, despite the fact that the holiday they were intended to celebrate passed over three weeks ago.

“We were about to take them down last Thursday, but then we realized the Christmas lights were the classiest part of the room’s décor,” said Eddleman in a statement issued Monday afternoon from his apartment’s grease-stained plaid couch. “I’m not trying to knock the Pulp Fiction poster by the door, but the lights add an ambient vibe to the room that Samuel L. Jackson and his 9mm just can’t.”

Eddleman purchased the lights at a Walgreens in mid-December as decorations for a “totally crazy” Christmas party at the apartment, sometimes referred to as “Da Farthouse”. As soon as the lights were affixed to the ceiling, the compliments began pouring in.

“John, my roommate, was like ‘I like the lights!’ literally seconds after I finished putting them up,” said Eddleman. “Then at the ‘Iron Fetters and Wacky Sweaters’ Christmas party, like four different girls told me the lights looked good.”

Added Eddleman: “Hot ones, too.”

Eddleman went on to praise the way the lights’ festive, colorful hues reflect off of the ever-growing collection of empty liquor and beer bottles kept on the shelf above the apartment’s TV. He also lovingly referred to the lights’ “blink” feature as “the sure sign that I’m drunk”.

On a related note, the future of the apartment’s beer-can-adorned Christmas tree is still in question. At press time, Eddleman had plans to give it “at least another couple weeks”.

–All writing and reporting by Softcoremac McCarthy

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