Local student thinks he has “opportunity”

As the economic state of affairs in the land of liberty remains, as economist and Nobel prize laureate Paul Krugman calls it, “shitty, man,” one UT student believes he can “go out and achieve.”

As the Bureau of Labor Statistics reported in January, the unemployment rate for workers aged 16 to 24 rests at the ungodly height of 21 percent. Nevertheless, Stephen Dow, senior, is remarkably unfazed by his depressing odds.

“Statistics are just numbers,” claims Stephen, who is majoring in Marketing with an emphasis in “Advertising to the Senile.” “All that matters,” continues Stephen,” is this right here [gesturing to his left breast pocket]. This, and cajones. I’ve got both in really, really large degrees. Hehe, that totally sounded like I was saying I have a big penis—but back to the point: I’ve got heart—that’s all that matters in this country.”

When asked how he planned on entering the job market in a time where many graduates find themselves recoursing to menial work in the absence of full-time employment he retorted, “People are just lazy. That’s the problem with the world, everybody’s unmotivated and cashing in on the government’s support. If they worked hard—like me—they would get what they want—like me again. Now that I think about it, nobody has a good excuse for not being me.”

Mr. Dow’s charisma and unabashed certainty sparked the inquiry of what it would take for those less fortunate to get what they economically wanted out of life.

“Two things. One: the bums working 80 hours a week between two jobs, hardly seeing their kids and neglecting their spouses, probably causing great psychological distress, all to make ends meet, are not less fortunate. They just picked really stupid jobs. Three, two, or whatever number I’m on: My whole life the reason I’ve been better than everyone else is because I work so hard. The fact that I grew up in a stable household in the suburbs, devoid of domestic disturbance—the likes of which are enough to terrify and cause life-long trauma to any child in the middle of it—and never personally having to work to help support my family, thus neglecting my school work, and, now, having my parents pay for my college tuition—none of these trivialities helped me in the least get to where I am today other than old-fashioned—America’s backbone—hard work and elbow grease.”

A follow up review of Mr. Dow was conducted six weeks after his graduation. Mr. Dow has since moved back in with his parents, developed a receding hair line, and is currently employed at the local YMCA where he spends his time wiping adolescents’ saliva off basketballs and occasionally doing the facility’s towel laundry.

–All writing and reporting by Partly Pilgrim

‘Lady Vols’ basketball program revealed as elaborate hoax

Recently leaked internal documents from the UT athletic department confirm that the school’s “Lady Volunteers” basketball team is nothing more than a complex hoax manufactured by UT administrators. The documents confirm years of suspicion that the so-called Lady Vols’ purpose was never to compete athletically, but rather to lend a false sense of significance to NCAA athletics.

Some supporters were shocked by the announcement.

“I love the Lady Vols!” said UT freshman and self-proclaimed Lady Vols fan Victoria Martin. “But, come to think of it, I’ve never been to a game. Or watched a game on TV. Or read more than the first paragraph of a newspaper article about them.”

The documents revealed that all Lady Vols players, coaches, and assistants are in fact paid actors that work with a team of publicists, photographers, and videographers to create the appearance of an actual basketball team.

Jordan Mackelroy, the actor who has portrayed Pat Summitt for the past 37 years, is actually a 72-year-old German grandfather of four, who moved to Knoxville in 1962 after a brief stint on Broadway.

UT athletic director Mike Hamilton spoke on the controversy at a press conference Wednesday.

“The NCAA is not just a tuition-funded mechanism for molding the physically gifted into freaks of nature that will one day earn sports entrepreneurs billions of dollars by performing tasks with no purpose other than distracting the masses from issues that actually affect people’s lives,” said Hamilton. “Or at least that’s the idea we were trying to spread through the Lady Volunteers propaganda program. Hell, without saying that we offer all the altruistic benefits of college athletics to women, we might seem like we were doing the whole thing for the money.”

Some fans, such as 25-year season-ticket-holder Dwayne Smothers, were less than surprised by the leaked documents.

“I just love putting on my orange jacket and cap once a week and sitting in the big stadium. I don’t even really care if there’s no basketball going on below me.” said Smothers. “What’s the alternative—a quiet evening at home with the wife and kids?”

–All writing and reporting bySoftcoremac McCarthy

Religion given up for Lent

UT sophomore Tyler Phillips announced Wednesday morning that he is giving up his faith in the Catholic Church, Christianity, and possibly God for at least the next forty days in honor of Great Lent.

“Lent has always been a time for me to really try and focus on my spiritual life, and work out the deep, gnawing issues that I’m usually too distracted to think about much,” said Phillips of the traditional fast leading up to Easter. “Without blind faith in a Church that marginalizes women and homosexuals in order to protect lying child-molesters, I’m looking forward to some real personal growth.”

Phillips’ family members and friends have urged Phillips to reconsider, suggesting that perhaps he hadn’t been attending church services or reading the Bible often enough to fully grasp the spiritual necessity of blind submission to authoritarian religious doctrine. Phillips’ father even went so far as to suggest that his son “probably hasn’t even read the latest Left Behind book”. Phillips, however, is adamant about abstaining from delusions of guaranteed eternal life, philosophical self-degradation, and the belief that a human being that was literally God roamed the Earth for 33 years.

“I knew I wanted to give something up, and this just felt right,” said Phillips.

Phillips’ roommate Joshua Raymond, with whom Phillips attended mass every Sunday for the past two years, is giving up Doritos.

–All writing and reporting by Softcoremac McCarthy

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