Professor extinguishes class excitement in record 86 seconds

Already a distinguished lot, UT’s faculty can now boast yet another international recognition: English professor Jeremy McClain has broken the Guinness World Record time for completely eliminating a class’s excitement for the upcoming semester.

“Those cocksuckers never knew what hit them,” said an adrenaline-flushed McClain, shaking hands with a Guinness representative as he received his reward. “I live for this shit.”

At 8:00:00 Wednesday morning, 26 unsuspecting students sat in McClain’s Technical Writing 350 class, eager to find out what they would be learning, who would be teaching it, and what friends they might make over the next fifteen weeks. However, by 8:00:26, McClain had already handed out the syllabus and explained the daily 500 word assignments.

By 8:00:49, he finished explaining his draconian one-absence and zero tolerance food/drink policies, all in an unintelligible mumble as he stared at his shoes. By 8:01:11, the distinguished professor had informed students that each of the three textbooks for his major-required class cost over $100.

Finally, when McClain angrily informed a student that walked in at 8:01:26 that he would be dropped from the course for his first-day tardiness, and the world record was his.

“It was incredible,” said visibly dejected senior Jonathan Stow. “I usually last a week or two before it dawns on me that I have months of all-nighters and term papers ahead of me. That son of bitch hit me with a hard dose of reality almost instantly. I’ve never seen a professor wipe the smiles off students’ faces with that kind of brute efficiency.”

McClain attributed his success to thorough preparation and a particularly naïve class of English students. He reportedly arrived to class an hour early, shutting the windows to heat up the room, testing the acoustics to maximize vocal obfuscation, and arranging the desks such that no two students sat close enough to conveniently strike up a conversation.

“As for the undergrads I was working with,” McClain said referring to the high percentage of literature and creative writing concentrations in the class. “It was like shooting a liberal arts major in a barrel. What a bunch of fucking chumps.”

McClain says that he plans to use his award money to found an international non-profit providing education to third-world countries, in order to “take [his] game to the next level.”

All writing and reporting by Softcoremac McCarthy

Totally lame zombies just want to talk about the environment

When marauding hoards of the undead descended upon Market Square Friday, shoppers and diners ran screaming for their lives before sheepishly realizing this particular gang of reanimated corpses just wanted to talk about clean energy.

“One of them tapped on my shoulder, and my life flashed before my eyes,” said 43-year-old Elizabeth Smith, who was dining at the Tomato Head at the time of the non-apocalypse. “But instead of ripping my throat out with its teeth, it just handed me some literature and asked me how I felt about nuclear power.” (more…)

Fraternity feud sparks beautifully choreographed altercation

The long-standing turf war between Pi Kappa Alpha and Alpha Tau Omega came to a head Thursday afternoon when members of both fraternities burst into an all-out dance-off.

The battle began when graffiti on the Strip reading “Pike RULZ!” was altered to say, “Pikes STINK!” by an alleged member of ATO. A member of PKA witnessed the defacing of the graffiti and became enraged, witnesses claim.

“The Pike, surrounded by his crew, walked up to the ATO and started snapping menacingly,” said one witness. “He jerked his thumb back and said, ‘Beat it, kid.’ The Tau glared for a moment, then double pirouetted and grand jetéd over to join the rest of his gang. That’s when I thought, ‘Aw snap, this is a dance-off.’”

Both sides exchanged excited banter within their groups, with points being emphasized every so often with particularly enthusiastic jazz hands.

“We’re gonna beat every last buggin’ gang on the whole buggin’ street,” said ATO president Mike Wagner, a senior studying finance.

In response, PKA president Tyler Brehner, a senior studying finance, began a chorus of, “When you’re a Pike you’re a Pike all the way from your first pirouette to your last dyin’ day!”

Zealous calls of, “Sock ‘em!” and, “We’re the top cats in town!” were heard from both sides as they chaînéd into the Tin Roof to begin the rumble.

The Pikes and the ATOs eventually approached each other on the dance floor, stepping to the beat of their simultaneous snaps.

The Pikes reportedly made the first move with a group pirouette and sashay, ending with a high kick from 2nd position. ATO responded to the brutal onslaught with a triple fouetté, a 10-second one-handed lift, jazz hands, and sinister glares.

The scene eventually got so vicious that shirts came untucked, sunglasses were de-croakied, and multiple pompadours were mussed. That’s when UTPD came in to break the battle up.

“No civilians were harmed as a result of this brutal dance-off between the members of Pi Kappa Alpha and Alpha Tau Omega,” said a UTPD statement following the incident. “The University of Tennessee will continue to enforce its zero-tolerance policy toward dance battles until this sassy gang hostility ends.”

–All writing and reporting by Penultimate Warrior

Flash storm leaves ped. walkway statue tragically intact

Heavy winds caused this tree on the 2200 block of Laurel Ave. to destroy something that we would not have all been better off without anyway.

As Knoxville residents struggle with power outages, traffic jams, and expensive damages caused by yesterday’s flash thunderstorm, patrons of UT’s campus face yet another tragedy—“A Startling Whirlwind of Opportunity”, the metal sculpture in UT’s pedestrian mall, remains standing, completely unharmed.

“The windshield of my car was shattered by a tree limb, and my cat’s still missing,” said UT junior Amy Fitzpatrick. “But, worst of all, I still have to walk by that piece of glowing industrial park scrap metal every day.”

When the storm hit Knoxville at approximately 6:30 p.m. Monday evening, some residents held out hope for the piece.

“I figured it might get winged by flying debris, or maybe destroyed by looters,” said freshman Ryan Merle. “Unfortunately, looks like that thing is well made.”

Merle went on to clarify that he was speaking from a purely structural rather than aesthetic point of view.

The statue’s tragic non-destruction, however, has inspired some Knoxvillians. Yesterday evening, hundreds of students, faculty, and staff gathered for a vigil held in honor of the piece’s unrealized obliteration.

“Every dark cloud has a silver lining,” explained one of the event’s organizers, senior Kristen Dunkle. “Tragic as this has all been, at least UT doesn’t have a chance to build something even uglier.”

–All writing and reporting by Softcoremac McCarthy

Student forgets about Spring Recess, thinks he missed the Rapture

UT sophomore John Levine experienced a scare last Friday when, after spending all day alone on campus, he thought he had missed the second coming of Christ.

Everything seemed normal until he sat down in his first class. After 15 minutes, no one else had arrived. Levine checked his email to make sure the professor didn’t cancel class. He didn’t have any emails, and stayed the full 50 minutes just to be safe.

When his next class was empty as well, Singleton began to worry.  He left his classroom and roamed into Hodges looking for some sign of life. He saw no one sleeping in the library chairs. He ran up Pedestrian Walkway and saw no kids sitting on the vent smoking outside Clarence Brown Theater or anybody passing out Bible study fliers near Hess.

Desperate and confused, he ran back to his dorm to consult the Internet. He googled, “where has everybody gone,” to try and find some answers. After scrolling through twenty pages of song lyrics and poetry blogs, Levine discovered

“At first I got to the site and couldn’t believe my eyes,” recounted Levine. “I clicked on ‘Rapture Ready News’ and read the most recent signs in the news that the Rapture was coming: predator drones, killer asteroids, God particles, Russians. And the Rapture Index was at 184 – well into the ‘Fasten your seat belts!’ area of the Rapture spectrum. That’s when I knew for sure: I missed Jesus’s second coming.”

Turns out he hadn’t. Levine spent the next two days curled up in the fetal position under his desk, drifting in and out of a restless sleep. Sunday afternoon his roommate returned to Levine’s dorm dorm, and Levine discovered his mistake.

“It was freaky, man,” roommate Mark Foster said about finding Levine under the desk. “He had some serious B.O. and looked like he hadn’t slept all weekend. When he saw me, he slowly got out from under the desk and groped my face to make sure I was real or something. It was weird.”

Levine laughed when he figured it all out. “I should have known!” exclaimed Levine. “This is actually the third time this has happened.”

–By writing and reporting by Penultimate Warrior

SGA 2011 campaigns most expensive ever

Candidates from the Reach campaign, winners of last week’s election for the UT Student Government Association, have set a new record for campaign fundraising with an estimated $1.5 billion spent on donuts, coffee, bottled water, T-shirts, and Little Debbie snack cakes, as well as a total of 850,000 hours of radio and television advertisements across the United States.

Lindy Grawth, Reach’s 2011 campaign manager, reported that the party spent 50% of its campaign budget ($750,000,000) on hot dogs and another 25% on  Kuzies and bumper stickers.

Donations to both Reach and its opposition party, Spark, poured in as big oil companies, Wall Street banks, health insurance companies and other powerful interest groups took advantage of the 2010 Citizens United Supreme Court decision, enabling corporations and unions to make direct financial contributions to meaningless resume padding.

“Money speaks,” said Jamie Dimon, C.E.O. of JPMorgan Chase, the top corporate donater in this year’s election, contributing one-third of the total funds raised by Reach. “And our voices have been silenced long enough. I think I speak on behalf of all of corporate America when I say that it’s about time the government stopped limiting the political speech of corporations and started insuring our fundamental right to throw as much money as we want at utterly insignificant political shenanigans in American universities.”

In previous years, UT has maintained a $7,250 cap on all student government campaigns. 2011 marks the first year that this cap has been lifted, and the result has been a 20689555% increase from the amount raised last year by SGA campaigns.

Reactions have been mixed among the 7% of UT students who actually vote in SGA elections. One lone student protested outside the library on election day with a sign that read “Keep big-money interests out of our school” but was forced to leave when a rambunctious group of over thirty people in matching Reach T-shirts began playing ultimate Frisbee along the entire extent of the pedestrian walkway. However, the majority of voters seem unfazed by the amount of money spent on this year’s campaigns.

“After all, who can say no to a hot dog? Not me—and that’s why I voted for Reach!” said freshman Rutt Jefferson, political science major and first time voter in SGA elections.

UT economists estimate that this year’s campaign fundraising likely exceeded any amount of money ever spent on any school election anywhere to date.

–All writing and reporting by Esther Tuttle

Revolt looms after anti-UT Parking self-immolation

In a move designed to spark unrest in the student population, undergraduate Martin Hewitt committed suicide by self-immolation yesterday in the staff parking lot by the Andy Holt garage.

Police say the incident occurred hours after Hewitt’s car was towed for the twenty-third time.  According to sources, Martin became infuriated to find his car towed yet again and vowed to make a statement.

“He just kept saying ‘They’ve targeted me for the last time, man, the last time,’” reported Hewitt’s close friend, Bob Dodson. “Then he ran off to the library. Next thing I know he’s on fire in the parking lot.”

Once in the library, Hewitt apparently recorded a video of himself and posted it online. The footage, available on Hewitt’s long-running blog, consists of Hewitt shouting a long list of grievances against UT Parking and Transit Services, including “giving more than one ticket while I’m parked in the same fucking spot,” “charging a shit ton for a parking pass,” and “those fucking yellow curbs.”

The self-immolation was not the first anti-UT Parking and Transit Services activism staged by Hewitt, who fellow students claim has “definitely got a reputation as an activist.”

“We all live under UT Parking and Transit Services’ Thumb, you know?” said a self-professed admirer of Hewitt’s, who asked not to be identified. “But none of us were willing to do anything about it. Martin was the only one with the guts to fight the man, to try to take him down.”

Hewitt was known for posting long, angry rants in popular anti-UT Parking and Transit Services chatrooms. “UT Parking and Transit Services r drunk w/ power & grinding us under they’re [sic] boots…if we don’t have the right 2 park in a handicap zone what rights do we have left,” ran one such post.

“Eloquent, man,” responded a member of the forum. “Beautiful. You should send it to the Beacon.”

Hewitt’s suicide has magnified the discontented rumblings of the University’s driving population. Anti-UT Parking and Transit Services graffiti covers most of campus, and a peaceful anti-UT Parking and Transit Services riot turned violent yesterday evening.

These student activists and conspirators hail Hewitt as a martyr.

“Not just anyone would have done what he did,” said Jennifer Draper, eyes glowing with disturbing intensity. “He suffered to fight the oppressors. Now it’s time for them to suffer, whether they want to or not.”

When pressed for comment, UT Parking and Transit Services officers insist that the campus region is stable and that violent police response will be kept to a minimum.

–All writing and reporting by Julius Seizure

Quiet Saturday night spent in with the guys watching a movie, parents imagine

Joe and Martha Adams of Maryville, TN are “like 90% sure” their son Chad, a junior at the University of Tennessee, spent last Friday evening watching a movie with the guys.

After spending two years in a dorm where Chad told his parents he enjoyed the visitation hours, room checks, constant concern with safety and noise level, and overall structured living environment, Chad decided it was time to move into an apartment off campus with some of his best pals.

“I think he refers to them as his ‘bros,’” added Mr. Adams.

Chad, a Communications major, is a member of a fraternity where, according to Mr. and Mrs. Adams, he has met many new friends and “flourished into a precious little social butterfly.” According to Mrs. Adams’ daily Facebook stalking, Chad is always making new friends and writing on their walls things like, “Dude we r gonna go so hard tonight,” “omg last nite i think i pissed myself LOL,” and “where the bitches @ 2nite.” When asked for a comment, Mrs. Adams said of course she can only assume he was referring to dogs.

“Chad just loved puppies when he was a youngster! I’m sure he’s part of UT’s dog breeding club or something. They have one of those, right?”

The Adams’ are proud of their son for adapting so easily to a college environment, especially when it comes to talking to girls. According to his parents, when Chad was twelve he tried talking to a girl and got so nervous he threw up. Now apparently things have changed.

“There are pictures all over Facebook of Chad with his arms around multiple girls at a time. How adorable! And such nice girls too.” Mrs. Adams added, clicking rapidly through all 937 of her son’s tagged photos. “They’re always smiling and standing all sassy with one hand on their hips. And I just think it’s great how they’re trying to save the environment. They all use the same red cup to drink out of in all their photos. That’s just so great. Pretty and globally aware!”

Mr. Adams went on to add that according to Facebook it still seems that Chad has an issue with throwing up. When asked the reason why, Chad replied that sometimes his middle school nerves just hit him again, usually around 1:00am on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights.

Mr. and Mrs. Adams ruminated fondly over what movie Chad might have watched Friday night. They tried to think of movies that all the hip and cool young people are watching these days. Then Mrs. Adams remembered a certain exchange on Chad’s Facebook with his “number 1 bro” Rich about how “Twilight is totally gay.”

“’Gay’ means ‘happy,’ right?” Mrs. Adams asked. “I bet he and his buddies watched Twilight. Chad has always been interested in fantasy stuff: movies, books, games – all that kind of thing. He was an avid Dungeons and Dragons player in high school!”

To which Mr. Adams replied, “Oh, I bet they played that last Friday too! And then went to bed at about 10:30.”

Even though their little baby is all grown up, the Adams’ are not worried.

“We will always trust Chad completely. His favorite thing to do on a Friday night when he was thirteen was watch a movie on the Disney channel and play World of Warcraft, and there’s no way college could change that. Besides, all those movies about young boys and girls going crazy at parties in college are just silly. None of that actually happens. Right?”

–All writing and reporting by Penultimate Warrior

Letter to the Editor: The SGApril Theses


1. It is the duty of the Volgaurd Party to explain the dissolution of the SGA. The results of the election are disappointing. However, We can take comfort in the explanatory powers of Fulmer- Summitism. Furthermore, our actions are consistent with the principles of Fulmer-Summitism.

2. The current levels of class-consciousness and revolutionary activity by the student-workers are the cause of the Party’s fifth place finish. Fulmer-Summitism tells us that both of these conditions must be met before the student paradise can exist. Fortunately, we are blessed with a student body that has been without class for some time. We, too, are without class. It is the state of the student-worker, then, which limits the success of the Party. It is this lack of success that requires the Volgaurd to take over the SGA. To speak frankly, there are no student-workers on campus. No one does anything.

3. Reach is nothing more than a Brogeoisie Party. They are Kiffinites in disguise. We can take heart that the student-worker demonstrated their fervent and frightening lack of class to drive away Kiffin and all of his reactionary petty-brogeoisie sentiments with a rain of burning mattresses. Kiffin has been exiled to California. It is not Mexico, but it used to be, and that is the most we can ask for at this time..

4. To return to the issue of class, we are faced with a number of difficulties. It is obvious to all who are versed in Fulmer-Summitism that the lower classmen suffer from an abundance of petty-brogeoisie desires. The upper-classmen are, well, upper-classmen. Neither can we abide at this moment.

5. Why is the University of Tennessee ripe for revolution? It is obvious to all Fulmer-Summitists that the University has long been the weakest leak in the SEC (Southeastern Capitalists) chain. Our more powerful neighbors have long exploited us (Georgia, Florida, Alabama and L.S.U.) as a cheap and abundant source of victories. We, too, have exploited our lesser neighbors (Vanderbilt, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi State, and Ole Miss). Catastrophic and humiliating losses to Eastern Powers, such as College of Charleston, are evidence enough of our weakened position.

6. This set of circumstances requires that a Party who is sufficiently classless and who meets the minimum standard of “student-worker” toss Reach and their Kiffinite deviations into the trash heap of history and establish a DICTATORSHIP of the BROLETARIET.

It is resolved:

1. The SGA is hereby dissolved. Until the completion of the Derek DULAG, the leadership of Reach and Spark will be imprisoned in South Stadium Hall. Their “Senators” will be exiled to UT Chattanooga.

2. Ayer’s Hall will be the seat of the Dictatorship. In the main lobby, Fulmer will be preserved in state for the eternity of the student paradise.

3. The Longstreet House is to be made into a museum documenting the revolutionary struggle.

4. Neyland will be turned into the SUPREME BROVIET. There will be 100,000+ Party representatives with no power who will meet once a year for 3 hours of games.

5. The city formerly known as Knoxville is now renamed VOLOGRAD.

6. All acts of government will be decrees issued by the BROLITBURO. The Brolitburo will consist of Brosef Stalin acting as President, Nattymir Chillich Lenin as Prime Minister and primary executioner, and Leon Brahsky as Commander of the Orange Arm.

by Nattymir Chillich Lenin

Facebook community reeling in wake of somber status update

Immediately following the posting of what is being described as “the most heart-breaking Facebook status ever”, UT junior Brian Wallace has been continuously bombarded with sentiments from friends and family in hopes of bringing up his spirits.

Wallace posted the status Thursday evening, which read: “Having a terrible night. Wondering who my real friends are.” It has reportedly received seven likes, twenty-three comments, and served as a catalyst for a frenzy of private messages and texts offering condolences.

High school friend Sarah Rooke, a frequent commenter of Wallace’s postings, was particularly disheartened.

“I couldn’t just sit there and do nothing,” said Rooke. “He was clearly in pain. I had to step in.”

Sarah went on to mention that, on top of liking the status, she put an additional four brackets on the frowny face in the comment she left, in hopes of showing the magnitude of her sorrow.

Wallace’s parents, who had an emergency Skype meeting with their son after reading the post, are reportedly “very concerned,” but appreciate all the support their son has received from the Facebook community.

“It’s so hard having our Brian away at college,” said his mother Tina. “I like to think that our nightly Skype dates and phone calls help, but there’s only so much we can do from here. It’s nice to see his friends are there for him.”

While Wallace was unavailable for comment at press time, friends say that he is doing much better, and is grateful all the support.

“He would never ask for all this attention, so it’s good to see people taking initiative,” said ex-girlfriend and UT freshman Rachel Baker. “I hope that in my time of need, my friends would do the same for me.”

At press time, the most recent comment on Wallace’s Facebook wall, left by Facebook friend Ethan Stiles, requested Wallace “try and stop being a mondo bitch.” The comment has so far received twelve “likes.”

–All writing and reporting by Forever Malone

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