Category archives for: CRITICALLY URGENT NEWS

Meme of the Month: Über Frosh

Monthly Mixture #1: Apparently There’s Music in Nashville

We had our friend compile the best stuff coming out of Nashvrancisco these days. You should listen to it. (more…)

Don’t Worry, Everyone Already Hates You: Softcoremac McCarthy’s 8 Essential Tips for Freshman Year

Freshman year is an exciting time in a young human/gelatinous humanoid’s life, but anyone who’s emerged from the frosh pit knows that there are a handful of tips that your mother forgot to mention in her 800-page suicide treatise. The Knoxville Walnut is here, though, to coddle your malformed psyche and imbue the class of 2015 (lol yea right fuckers) with values that might not harm you and certainly will not harm our vested interest in the meat packing industry.

1. Spend no less than $300 at the UT poster sale. Let me set up a scenario for you: You’ve been sitting by this hottie in calc class for a couple weeks, chattin’ it up on the reg. The first test is coming, and so you take a gulp and invite her over to your dorm room to study. She comes over later that night, stepping into your dorm room only to be assaulted by four walls completely devoid of references to Fight Club, Bob Marley, AND The Boondock Saints. She flings scalding coffee in your face and leaves you shrieking on the floor, without even the Beer Pong Constitution to comfort you. You fail the test, flunk out your first semester, and die in a car accident on the way back to move in with your ashamed parents. They celebrate. Alright, back to reality: the UT poster sale is not the time to pinch pennies. As a general rule, the more numbered lists/breasts, the better.

2. Establish roommate supremacy. A strict pecking order is typically established among roommates/suitemates by day five in the dorms, but any well-prepared freshman knows not to allow the process to take that long. If you’ve got the build, bare-knuckle boxing is the simplest and most traditional way to establish dominance, but fear not—there are plenty of options for all you brainiacs, too. One relatively inexpensive yet effective option is to place a charcoal briquette under one roommate’s pillow while he or she sleeps. The victim will unknowingly inhale noxious fumes throughout the night, resulting in severe depression, confusion, memory loss, and headaches for the rest of his or her life. This will send a clear message to the other roommates, as well, and land you a stress free year at the top of the pack.

3. Don’t be a square! Everyone knows that if most people are ok with something, you’d be a fucking nerd to think otherwise. Qualms are for old people, virgins, and that person you met at orientation whose calls you never answer. The majority of people wouldn’t do something if it wasn’t a good idea. Furthermore, if it wasn’t a good idea, most people wouldn’t do it. If you’re trying to refute that logic, I advise you to give up now and go back to studying, you fucking pussy.

4. Spend as much time as possible on Facebook. Some people think Facebook does nothing but promote a creepy blend of marturbatory self-exaltation and antisocial voyeurism. These people and their tiny dicks can jump off a cliff. See point #3.

5. Go Greek! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say again: with free friends, you get what you pay for. Upgrade to a premium social caste where the Natty Light flows like your alcoholic father’s drunken tears at Thanksgiving. It may seem like hell when someone’s pissing in your face while you do bows and toes on bottle caps, but hang in there! The psychological trauma will only last until a decade after your mid-life crisis, but the friendships will last until you outgrow them.

6. Avoid dorm bathrooms at all costs. If you’re like me, you’ll be tempted to break down and use the shower down the hall or attached to your dorm room every once in a while. DON’T! Everyone knows that college showers are cesspools of staph viruses and undiscovered strains of gonorrhea. It may seem daunting to travel back to your parents place every time you need to shower (especially for all you out-of-staters), but trust me, the extra hours of commuting are well worth it.

7. Read The Weekly Hangover. It’s really really really really good.

Softcoremac McCarthy is a three-time freshman and author of the 2008 best seller “The Letter Fuck.” He is currently studying Rhinocology at the University of Tennessee.

Totally lame zombies just want to talk about the environment

When marauding hoards of the undead descended upon Market Square Friday, shoppers and diners ran screaming for their lives before sheepishly realizing this particular gang of reanimated corpses just wanted to talk about clean energy.

“One of them tapped on my shoulder, and my life flashed before my eyes,” said 43-year-old Elizabeth Smith, who was dining at the Tomato Head at the time of the non-apocalypse. “But instead of ripping my throat out with its teeth, it just handed me some literature and asked me how I felt about nuclear power.” (more…)

Fraternity feud sparks beautifully choreographed altercation

The long-standing turf war between Pi Kappa Alpha and Alpha Tau Omega came to a head Thursday afternoon when members of both fraternities burst into an all-out dance-off.

The battle began when graffiti on the Strip reading “Pike RULZ!” was altered to say, “Pikes STINK!” by an alleged member of ATO. A member of PKA witnessed the defacing of the graffiti and became enraged, witnesses claim.

“The Pike, surrounded by his crew, walked up to the ATO and started snapping menacingly,” said one witness. “He jerked his thumb back and said, ‘Beat it, kid.’ The Tau glared for a moment, then double pirouetted and grand jetéd over to join the rest of his gang. That’s when I thought, ‘Aw snap, this is a dance-off.’”

Both sides exchanged excited banter within their groups, with points being emphasized every so often with particularly enthusiastic jazz hands.

“We’re gonna beat every last buggin’ gang on the whole buggin’ street,” said ATO president Mike Wagner, a senior studying finance.

In response, PKA president Tyler Brehner, a senior studying finance, began a chorus of, “When you’re a Pike you’re a Pike all the way from your first pirouette to your last dyin’ day!”

Zealous calls of, “Sock ‘em!” and, “We’re the top cats in town!” were heard from both sides as they chaînéd into the Tin Roof to begin the rumble.

The Pikes and the ATOs eventually approached each other on the dance floor, stepping to the beat of their simultaneous snaps.

The Pikes reportedly made the first move with a group pirouette and sashay, ending with a high kick from 2nd position. ATO responded to the brutal onslaught with a triple fouetté, a 10-second one-handed lift, jazz hands, and sinister glares.

The scene eventually got so vicious that shirts came untucked, sunglasses were de-croakied, and multiple pompadours were mussed. That’s when UTPD came in to break the battle up.

“No civilians were harmed as a result of this brutal dance-off between the members of Pi Kappa Alpha and Alpha Tau Omega,” said a UTPD statement following the incident. “The University of Tennessee will continue to enforce its zero-tolerance policy toward dance battles until this sassy gang hostility ends.”

–All writing and reporting by Penultimate Warrior

Flash storm leaves ped. walkway statue tragically intact

Heavy winds caused this tree on the 2200 block of Laurel Ave. to destroy something that we would not have all been better off without anyway.

As Knoxville residents struggle with power outages, traffic jams, and expensive damages caused by yesterday’s flash thunderstorm, patrons of UT’s campus face yet another tragedy—“A Startling Whirlwind of Opportunity”, the metal sculpture in UT’s pedestrian mall, remains standing, completely unharmed.

“The windshield of my car was shattered by a tree limb, and my cat’s still missing,” said UT junior Amy Fitzpatrick. “But, worst of all, I still have to walk by that piece of glowing industrial park scrap metal every day.”

When the storm hit Knoxville at approximately 6:30 p.m. Monday evening, some residents held out hope for the piece.

“I figured it might get winged by flying debris, or maybe destroyed by looters,” said freshman Ryan Merle. “Unfortunately, looks like that thing is well made.”

Merle went on to clarify that he was speaking from a purely structural rather than aesthetic point of view.

The statue’s tragic non-destruction, however, has inspired some Knoxvillians. Yesterday evening, hundreds of students, faculty, and staff gathered for a vigil held in honor of the piece’s unrealized obliteration.

“Every dark cloud has a silver lining,” explained one of the event’s organizers, senior Kristen Dunkle. “Tragic as this has all been, at least UT doesn’t have a chance to build something even uglier.”

–All writing and reporting by Softcoremac McCarthy

Student forgets about Spring Recess, thinks he missed the Rapture

UT sophomore John Levine experienced a scare last Friday when, after spending all day alone on campus, he thought he had missed the second coming of Christ.

Everything seemed normal until he sat down in his first class. After 15 minutes, no one else had arrived. Levine checked his email to make sure the professor didn’t cancel class. He didn’t have any emails, and stayed the full 50 minutes just to be safe.

When his next class was empty as well, Singleton began to worry.  He left his classroom and roamed into Hodges looking for some sign of life. He saw no one sleeping in the library chairs. He ran up Pedestrian Walkway and saw no kids sitting on the vent smoking outside Clarence Brown Theater or anybody passing out Bible study fliers near Hess.

Desperate and confused, he ran back to his dorm to consult the Internet. He googled, “where has everybody gone,” to try and find some answers. After scrolling through twenty pages of song lyrics and poetry blogs, Levine discovered

“At first I got to the site and couldn’t believe my eyes,” recounted Levine. “I clicked on ‘Rapture Ready News’ and read the most recent signs in the news that the Rapture was coming: predator drones, killer asteroids, God particles, Russians. And the Rapture Index was at 184 – well into the ‘Fasten your seat belts!’ area of the Rapture spectrum. That’s when I knew for sure: I missed Jesus’s second coming.”

Turns out he hadn’t. Levine spent the next two days curled up in the fetal position under his desk, drifting in and out of a restless sleep. Sunday afternoon his roommate returned to Levine’s dorm dorm, and Levine discovered his mistake.

“It was freaky, man,” roommate Mark Foster said about finding Levine under the desk. “He had some serious B.O. and looked like he hadn’t slept all weekend. When he saw me, he slowly got out from under the desk and groped my face to make sure I was real or something. It was weird.”

Levine laughed when he figured it all out. “I should have known!” exclaimed Levine. “This is actually the third time this has happened.”

–By writing and reporting by Penultimate Warrior

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