Category archives for: CRITICALLY URGENT NEWS

Military to use earth-friendly energy in devastating Somalia

The United States military announced today its plan to convert its drones to solar power, to more eco-soundly reduce Somalia’s land and population to so much ash and rubble.

“The current drone models rely on fossil fuels, which spew gallons of smoke into the atmosphere,” said an official at the briefing, showing a video clip of the new solar-powered models igniting a small village. “These new models, meanwhile, will burn no fuel and so release no exhaust,” he added as the blazing village on the video behind him spewed gallons of smoke into the atmosphere.

Environmental expert Marcus Emerson was quick to voice his support of the military’s switch to solar panels, calling the change long overdue.

“The damage fossil fuel-based aircraft do to the atmosphere, and therefore to general health and safety, is just catastrophic,” he said. “They’re practically death-dealing machines! Environmentally speaking.”

Nor were high-ranking officials and energy experts the only people ready for the change. The drones’ pilots were equally enthusiastic about the new eco-friendly design.

“It’s great, it really is,” one man reported while test-piloting one of the new models through rural Somalia. “I mean here I am, just doing my job like I always do, but it’s now I know I’m – GOT ‘EM! Did you see that, Chris? I nailed those motherfuckers! There’s two probable terrorists we’ll never have to convict, am I right? Ha ha! – what was I saying? Oh yeah: it’s like now I know that I’m not making the world a worse place than I found it, you know?”

Amy Marshall, a military engineer currently positioned in Somalia to monitor the drones’ performance, called the change in technology “a huge step forward” for the military’s impact on society.

“With so much warfare conducted remotely these days, it’s important to remember any military offensive has horrific, destructive consequences,” Marshall said as a drone behind her destroyed two small cars, a church and seven houses in rapid succession. She was forced to raise her voice slightly above the screams from the wreckage as she clarified: “Environmentally speaking.”

All writing and reporting by Julius Seizure.

Fashion: Freshman lanyard–Who wore it best?

On their first day at UT, every incoming freshman was given a bright orange lanyard. Some used it as simply a nametag, but others used it how it was meant to be used: as a fashion statement. Here’s a survey of who wore it best.

I mean, honestly, what year are we in? 2009? This is so normal it hurts. Definitely no way to make your first fashion statement at college. Nice job, freshman.

Now this is living life on the wild side. The fact that in a split second keys, money, and at least two forms of ID can be stolen out of your pocket as you sashay down the Strip make this fashion choice so much more daring and avant-garde.

These are just like Chacos, only they get you even closer to nature by having your foot in direct contact with the ground. All the foot fungus you’ll contract via this style will be super cute.

This style has function and form. Having your ID dangle right beside your face conveniently reduces the time it takes for your friends to verify your identity, and your hair gets that super stylish “choked Furby” look.

This is a daring attempt, but it’s a little much. Try toning it down a bit with a couple of elegant Power T pasties.

All writing and reporting by Penultimate Warrior.

Student-athletes’ academic transcripts lost in flood of $100 bills

Athletic director Dave Hart announced yesterday that the athletic department has lost all their student-athletes’ academic transcripts in a flood of crisp, fresh-minted hundred-dollar bills. According to Hart, the documents were destroyed when the department’s heaping stacks of cash burst through their retaining walls and rushed into adjacent rooms where the academic reports were being stored. Athletes’ textbooks, calculators, tutors, and other academic supplies were also lost in the flood.

“The situation is regrettable,” said Hart, as he wiped his mouth with a hundred-dollar bill while eating a hundred-dollar bill sandwich. “Unfortunately, our current method of organization is the only option, given the circumstances.”

Sources report that sometime last night the pressure of the millions and millions and millions and millions of dollars became too great for the structural integrity of the institution holding them. The cash reportedly blasted through a door and poured, unconstrained, into nearby rooms, destroying virtually all traces of academic activity within the athletic department.

Until recently, Hart said, the department had been able to confine the frothing oceans of money to specific areas of the department, completely separate from academics. Unfortunately, the beginning of the 2011 football season and the renewal of a licensing contract with Adidas led to the completely unexpected and disastrous influx of cash.

Some players tried to volunteer to help clean up the damage, but NCAA rules clearly state that “no student-athlete may lay eyes upon the veritable mountains of wealth accumulated by his or her backbreaking, irreplaceable labor.”

“In retrospect, it may have been a mistake to try to keep our $100.85 million dollar annual budget so close to all our student-athletes’ academic lives,” said Hart. “We face powerful natural forces beyond our control every day in the athletic department, but now it’s just time to grieve what we’ve lost and move on.”

At press time the flood continued to cause damage and showed no signs of receding any time soon.

All writing and reporting by Sofecoremac McCarthy.

Crosswalk guard to receive Medal of Honor for gunning down crazed jaywalker

Local UTPD crosswalk guard Bob Tibbles will soon receive the Medal of Honor for his role in stopping an extremely aggressive jaywalker from crossing the street.

The incident occurred last Wednesday at around 2:30pm at the intersection of Andy Holt Avenue and Phillip Fulmer Way. The suspect, now confirmed to be Honors Council president Daniel Aycock, reportedly approached the intersection and instantly became “wildly irate.”

Witness John Berry confirmed, “Yeah, he was saying stuff like, ‘Great, now I’m going to be late to class,’ and, ‘Unbelievable!’ It was crazy talk, man. I was worried he was going to lose it at any moment.”

“Lose it” he did. Seeing that no more cars were coming, Aycock decided to cross the street before Officer Tibbles confirmed it was completely safe to cross.

Tibbles tried to stop the suspect by yelling, “Hey you! Stop! Don’t do that!” but to no avail. Next, he had a decision to make.

“I knew I had two options: I could let this madman get away, or I could shoot him,” Tibbles recounted. “In high-stakes situations like these you just have to go with the option that your gut tells you is right.”

Officer Tibbles fired three shots just before Aycock made it to the other side of the street. As the suspect fell, all the students around began to cheer.

Sophomore Stacey Michaels commented, “That crazy person was walking right at me. There is no telling what could have happened if that brave crosswalk guard hadn’t acted. They are usually so underappreciated, but it’s times like these that make you realize how necessary crosswalk guards really are to society. They are the silent heroes.”

Tibbles’s Medal of Honor ceremony is scheduled for next Monday. Chancellor Cheek and Governor Haslam are confirmed attendees. President Obama will not be able to come, but he sends his “deepest thanks for his invaluable service to society.”

All writing and reporting by Penultimate Warrior.

Student finds speech class “very rewarding”

UT may only be three weeks into the semester, but local student George Kaplan is already sure that he will learn “like, so much” in his speech class.

Kaplan, a senior in classics, at first had doubts about CMST 210, a class which fulfills the oral communication general education requirement. He thought it would be boring and pointless and that he would learn nothing new. He thought it would be full of trite platitudes that are totally obvious to everyone who has ever spoken in front of three people before. But after the first week, he realized just how wrong he was.

Kaplan said, “The second day of class we spent the entire day talking about the importance of eye contact when making a speech. We learned why it’s important and how you do it. It was amazing. I never would have thought to do that.”

Since then the class has spent days devoted to standing up straight, knowing your material, showing up fully clothed, not making racist jokes, and not arriving drunk to a presentation—all things which he felt were extremely useful tips. He wished they would elaborate on the topics for even more days.

“I just feel like this class will help me more than every other one at UT,” Kaplan said. “I’ve learned more about public speaking in these three weeks than I have learned in three years being in my Jewish fraternity. It’s changed my life. My mom is just so proud of me, and my girlfriend thinks it’s sexy I’ve learned how to make eye contact now. It’s just overall very rewarding. I highly recommend the class.”

All writing and reporting by Penultimate Warrior.

Fundamentalist Star Trek Fans evangelize, warn the end is nigh

A group of radical Trekkie evangelists has met with complaints as they urge the student body to repent and be saved before the coming First Contact with the planet Vulcan.

The fundamentalist Star Trek fans have set up a booth on the Pedestrian Walkway to deliver their warning and call to faith. The basis for this concern lies in the 1996 work of Trekkie scripture “Star Trek: First Contact.”

“The Good Film is very clear,” says Marcie Halloway from behind her Klingon mask. “In the year 2063, the Chosen One, Zephram Cochrane, will build a spaceship engine that breaks the warp barrier. A passing Vulcan will hear the disturbance and land on Earth. From that moment forward, Human and Vulcan races will be united in a new and glorious future.”

The booth stands under a giant sign reading “Will YOU Live Long And Prosper?” Trekkies in traditional garments – knee-high boots, primary-color shirts and Star Fleet insignia pins – foist DVDs of scripture onto passersby.

“We’re not trying to harass anyone,” says John McDowan, who had donned the supererogatory false pointed ears for his ministry. “But people deserve to know the truth. We just want to warn them. We’re here to spread the Good News.”

Some skeptical students engage in theological debate with believers.

“Infallible scripture?” shouts a passing freshman. “What about Khan Noon Singh’s famous revolution, predicted to occur in the 1990s? Can’t explain that, can you? Dickwads!”

McDowan’s belief remains unshaken.

“It’s important to remember that the Good Films can’t always be taken literally,” he says. “The Word of Rodenberry is ineffable and beyond the knowledge of fankind. But our faith in the First Contact is strong.”

Not all Trekkies, however, share in McDowan’s mission.

“I mean, I consider myself a practicing Trekkie,” said undergraduate Harry Lee. “I break out a Ferengi costume every now and then, I meditate on the Kirk-Picard comparison, and every Sunday I observe a day of locking myself in my dorm to watch Original Series episodes in utter loneliness. But this mission work makes me uncomfortable.”

“It’s like the Good Film says,” Lee added. “Infinite Variety in Infinite Combinations.”

Other undergraduates are not swayed by even the underlying premise of McDowan’s argument.

“Alien contact in 2063? Please,” said undergraduate student Marty Howell. “I don’t know where people come up with this bullshit. Everyone knows the world will end in 2012 because God hates the gays.”

All writing and reporting by Julius Seizure.

Vols defeat alleged “Grizzlies” 42-16

"We won't be fooled again," Dooley told reporters after the game.

Tennessee celebrated victory Saturday night, pummeling the University of Montana’s deceptively human football team 42-16.

“We were shocked to run out onto the field to find that we were, in fact, playing football against a team of Homo sapiens similar to ourselves on Saturday,” said head coach Derek Dooley in a press conference after the game. “We spent weeks preparing for this game, all based on the logical conclusion that when Montana referred to themselves as ‘The Grizzlies’ that they were, in fact, grizzly bears.”

As the usual pregame rituals commenced and the Volunteers ran onto the turf, the fear in the team’s eyes was noticeable to even the most inebriated fan in attendance.

“I haven’t seen Matt Simms’ knees shake like that since he prepared to take the field against Alabama last season,” said avid UT fan Bo Johnson, 42. “And he wasn’t even starting this week.”

When the Grizzlies took the field, however, everything changed. Through the harsh disdain in the crowd’s cries, one could easily hear and see the confusion on the Volunteers’ sideline. The team assistants were immediately instructed to dispose of the now useless salmon piles that Dooley had intended to use as a distraction, and the bear trainers that Dooley had hired from the Knoxville Zoo were dismissed.

“The game has changed,” Dooley said, according to reports from an anonymous player inside the huddle. “We now know what we are truly up against. We must adjust our strategy drastically, and quickly. If we hope to win, we must abandon all of our plans from before, and play traditional football. I know many of you haven’t practiced traditional football since last January, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have what it takes.”

As the trainers hauled off dozens of bear traps and loaded tranquilizer guns, Dooley scrambled to get his special teams ready for kickoff. As he laid out a plan in which the Vols’ kicker actually kicked the ball to the Montana special teams unit, as opposed to the original plan of kicking it into a salmon laced pit that had been dug into the West hash-mark on the 10-yardline, the Montana sideline looked ominously prepared.

“When I saw the look in [Montana safety] Erik Stoll’s eyes, I was frightened,” said sophomore quarterback Tyler Bray after the game. “But less frightened than I would’ve been if he were a grizzly bear.”

As of press time, Dooley had launched an exploratory committee to determine whether the University of Cincinnati Bearcats are bears or cats.

All writing and reporting by the W.A.L.N.U.T.R.O.N. 9000 News-Report-o-Matic-Bot.

Opinion: This column is going to look great on my resume

Whitney Toomer, Columnist

Last week, I saw something interesting in Hodges Library. Four students were sitting at a table together in the Commons, each typing away on their respective laptops. This may not shock any of you, as students in this digital age use their computers for all sorts of things. Perhaps they were typing on Microsoft Word, doing research online, or e-mailing a professor. It slowly dawned on me, though, that each student, while sitting inches away from other real people, was surfing Facebook.

As I chuckled to myself and sipped my coffee, one thought kept going through my head: this would be the perfect sort of trite anecdote with which to open a poorly written, uninsightful column in a student publication that served more as a learning tool for undergrads than a quality source of informative or entertaining content that someone would actually want to read.

The more I thought about those Facebookers, the more I realized that no one would probably even read past the first paragraph of my editorial, rendering its quality utterly irrelevant. What really mattered, I realized, was cranking out 600 words that would fill approximately 15 square inches of paper next to bulleted lists of police arresting recreational drug users on campus.

Also important, I knew, was the picture of my beautiful, smiling face next to the article, as well as the clever name for my weekly asinine ramblings. Maybe “World Wide Whitney” or “Red, Whitney, and Blue.” After that, I knew that the majority of my writing could be Ku Klux Klan rhetoric from 1873 given the amount of attention the average reader devotes to the fetid pile of journalistic garbage that is my publication’s opinion section.

Now I can’t say for sure why you’re still reading these uninspired words, but I do know one thing: most of my prospective employers will only see “Weekly columnist, 2010-2012″ printed neatly on my resume. The few that actually look at my pieces will proably just think to themselves, “Oh, she was in college, just learning the ropes.”

Given that fact, I’m perfectly content to repeatedly mail my work in and watch my university spend lots of money that my fellow students pay in tuition to publish thousands and thousands of copies of the inert dribble that I vomit onto the page week after week. All that really matters is that I can honestly claim to have written dozens of articles for the most thrown-away student publication on campus. And now I have.

East Coast quake survivors pick up the pieces

Graphic images continue to surface as survivors attempt to clean up move on with their lives.

Residents in Virginia, New York, D.C., North Carolina, and Tennessee are reportedly in a state of crisis after the magnitude 5.8 earthquake that rocked the East coast Tuesday. Martha Stevenson, who was about 80 miles from the epicenter of the quake in her hometown of Springfield, VA, reported that the town is in “utter turmoil.”

“It’s just too much to handle,” said Stevenson, 42. “With all the terrorism in the world, and those disasters in Haiti and places like that, I had to assume the worst when the shaking started. The mental anguish from all this is unbearable.”

Stevenson went on to explain that on top of her family feeling in danger of a deadly aftershock, various pieces of her Martha Stewart Living bistro patio set had been upturned, as well as the ADT home security sign in the front yard.

“Red Cross needs to be sent out here immediately, just in case,” said Stevenson. “Oh, and the National Guard too. Things could get out of hand real fast once those damn kids start looting like they are in England or wherever.”

The situation is even worse in Charlottesville, VA, where residents lost power for nearly three the day of the quake.

“As you can imagine, everyone here is scared senseless,” said Ron Spillane, 37-year-old Minister at Little Hope Baptist Church. “Thousands have flocked to my church in this time of crisis, and I feel the power of prayer has helped restore peace.”

“And the power, too” he added.

In addition to the catastrophic multi-hour period without electricity, residents are also worried about the loss of power in the North Anna Nuclear Power Facility, located only a few miles from the city.

“Who knows what this could mean,” said 114-year-old Charlottesville resident Amy Hughes. “We could all be feral, brain-eating zombies within a week. This totally wouldn’t happen with wind or solar power. Those are extremely safe and very efficient. It says so online.”

While inspections are still being made at press time, Joey Ledford, spokesman of the Nuclear Regulatory Commission assured everyone that every precaution would be taken in getting the plant back online.

“And no,” said Ledford, when asked to comment on Ms. Hughes accusation. “For the last fucking time, nuclear energy doesn’t do that sort of thing.”

All writing and reporting by Forever Malone

‘Heirarchy of needs’ updated to include iPhones, porn


The American Psychological Association announced revisions last week to Abraham Maslow’s now-defunct “hierarchy of needs” from 1943. The updated hierarchy includes more modern necessities, such as Apple iPhones, hard liquor, and blowjobs.

“Maslow was on the right track,” said Dr. Ronald Deffenbaugh, APA associate executive director. “But new research looking closer at the contemporary American consumer has found that Maslow overlooked entire categories of needs crucial for healthy, economically-sustainable development.”

The hierarchy has been completely overhauled. Newly discovered needs include categories like “televisiological needs”, “ejaculatory needs”, and “Taco Bell” in lieu of old-fashioned and outdated categories like “self-actualization needs” and “love/belonging needs”.

“The times have just changed, and with them the needs,” said Deffenbaugh. “While Maslow’s old needs were adequate for the 1943 world in which they were written, there’s no way he could have predicted the wealth of needs that the modern American now faces. I mean, come on—they didn’t even have Cinnabons back then.”

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