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Student-athletes’ academic transcripts lost in flood of $100 bills

Athletic director Dave Hart announced yesterday that the athletic department has lost all their student-athletes’ academic transcripts in a flood of crisp, fresh-minted hundred-dollar bills. According to Hart, the documents were destroyed when the department’s heaping stacks of cash burst through their retaining walls and rushed into adjacent rooms where the academic reports were being stored. Athletes’ textbooks, calculators, tutors, and other academic supplies were also lost in the flood.

“The situation is regrettable,” said Hart, as he wiped his mouth with a hundred-dollar bill while eating a hundred-dollar bill sandwich. “Unfortunately, our current method of organization is the only option, given the circumstances.”

Sources report that sometime last night the pressure of the millions and millions and millions and millions of dollars became too great for the structural integrity of the institution holding them. The cash reportedly blasted through a door and poured, unconstrained, into nearby rooms, destroying virtually all traces of academic activity within the athletic department.

Until recently, Hart said, the department had been able to confine the frothing oceans of money to specific areas of the department, completely separate from academics. Unfortunately, the beginning of the 2011 football season and the renewal of a licensing contract with Adidas led to the completely unexpected and disastrous influx of cash.

Some players tried to volunteer to help clean up the damage, but NCAA rules clearly state that “no student-athlete may lay eyes upon the veritable mountains of wealth accumulated by his or her backbreaking, irreplaceable labor.”

“In retrospect, it may have been a mistake to try to keep our $100.85 million dollar annual budget so close to all our student-athletes’ academic lives,” said Hart. “We face powerful natural forces beyond our control every day in the athletic department, but now it’s just time to grieve what we’ve lost and move on.”

At press time the flood continued to cause damage and showed no signs of receding any time soon.

All writing and reporting by Sofecoremac McCarthy.

‘Heirarchy of needs’ updated to include iPhones, porn


The American Psychological Association announced revisions last week to Abraham Maslow’s now-defunct “hierarchy of needs” from 1943. The updated hierarchy includes more modern necessities, such as Apple iPhones, hard liquor, and blowjobs.

“Maslow was on the right track,” said Dr. Ronald Deffenbaugh, APA associate executive director. “But new research looking closer at the contemporary American consumer has found that Maslow overlooked entire categories of needs crucial for healthy, economically-sustainable development.”

The hierarchy has been completely overhauled. Newly discovered needs include categories like “televisiological needs”, “ejaculatory needs”, and “Taco Bell” in lieu of old-fashioned and outdated categories like “self-actualization needs” and “love/belonging needs”.

“The times have just changed, and with them the needs,” said Deffenbaugh. “While Maslow’s old needs were adequate for the 1943 world in which they were written, there’s no way he could have predicted the wealth of needs that the modern American now faces. I mean, come on—they didn’t even have Cinnabons back then.”

Totally lame zombies just want to talk about the environment

When marauding hoards of the undead descended upon Market Square Friday, shoppers and diners ran screaming for their lives before sheepishly realizing this particular gang of reanimated corpses just wanted to talk about clean energy.

“One of them tapped on my shoulder, and my life flashed before my eyes,” said 43-year-old Elizabeth Smith, who was dining at the Tomato Head at the time of the non-apocalypse. “But instead of ripping my throat out with its teeth, it just handed me some literature and asked me how I felt about nuclear power.” (more…)

The Walnut’s Top Seven Healthy Study Snacks

If you’re a UT student, it’s crucial to remember to keep your study energy up with some of Hodges Library’s nutritious food choices. This list will help you find the healthiest, tastiest options and keep away those nagging exam-time munchies.

1. Pizza-flavored Combos: This tasty treat gives you all the health benefits of pizza: tomatoes, cheese, pepperoni, and bread all in a convenient pretzel-wrapped chalky paste.

2. Strawberry Poptart: This delicious snack provides all the health benefits of strawberries, everyone’s favorite fruit. Strawberries are also currently in season, so the Poptarts are extra fresh.

3. Peach rings: Peaches are high in Vitamin C, which is great for your skin. All you have to do is wipe the sugar dust off your face, and your beautiful skin will glow.

4. Chef Boyardee ravioli: The protein from the meat-like filling satisfies your hunger, and the fresh tomato from the sauce is an excellent source of Vitamin A, which prevents blindness. After sitting for eight hours three inches away from a library computer screen, your eyes will thank you for the healthy boost!

5. Apple Jacks: Apples are believed to reduce the risk of lung cancer. So Apple Jacks, besides being delicious, will help offset the carcinogens of your stress-induced chain smoking.

6. Starbucks glazed donut: This sweet treat is from Starbucks, so it has to be healthy. It gives you a whopping 2% of your recommended daily calcium intake, so feel free to eat about 50 of them to make your bones nice and strong. You’ll need strong bones to carry around that big brain of yours and the extra 21,000 calories.

7. Bass Pro Shop cheese/meat combo: This snack is a super convenient 2-for-1: you get the calcium from the cheese substance and the protein from the meat substance at the same time. And they top it all off with dripping meaty cheese grease. Delicious and nutritious!

–All writing and reporting by Penultimate Warrior

Bored journalists of the world to take a few months off

Citing a complete lack of news, journalists in the U.S. and abroad have announced an industry-wide hiatus until, as New York Times writer Jonathan Richmond put it, “something friggin’ happens.”

“It’s like 2011 is some kind of historical void,” said Richmond. “We keep waiting for an important event that more than like twelve people will care about, but the dry spell just won’t end.”

Experts agree that absolutely nothing of significance has occurred for nearly five months, citing WikiLeaks’ November 2010 Cablegate as the last “halfway interesting, I guess” event worldwide. Journalists have announced plans to visit family, travel, and cross their fingers for some kind of revolution spree, natural disaster, nuclear accident, celebrity breakdown, or celebrity marriage during their time off. Or, as CNN correspondent Dan Hickson sarcastically remarked, “Maybe someone will kill Osama bin Laden.”

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