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Softcoremac McCarthy’s Second Annual Freshman Tips

Bascom Lamar Lunsford, “I Wish I Was a Mole in the Ground”

Crosswalk guard to receive Medal of Honor for gunning down crazed jaywalker

Local UTPD crosswalk guard Bob Tibbles will soon receive the Medal of Honor for his role in stopping an extremely aggressive jaywalker from crossing the street.

The incident occurred last Wednesday at around 2:30pm at the intersection of Andy Holt Avenue and Phillip Fulmer Way. The suspect, now confirmed to be Honors Council president Daniel Aycock, reportedly approached the intersection and instantly became “wildly irate.”

Witness John Berry confirmed, “Yeah, he was saying stuff like, ‘Great, now I’m going to be late to class,’ and, ‘Unbelievable!’ It was crazy talk, man. I was worried he was going to lose it at any moment.”

“Lose it” he did. Seeing that no more cars were coming, Aycock decided to cross the street before Officer Tibbles confirmed it was completely safe to cross.

Tibbles tried to stop the suspect by yelling, “Hey you! Stop! Don’t do that!” but to no avail. Next, he had a decision to make.

“I knew I had two options: I could let this madman get away, or I could shoot him,” Tibbles recounted. “In high-stakes situations like these you just have to go with the option that your gut tells you is right.”

Officer Tibbles fired three shots just before Aycock made it to the other side of the street. As the suspect fell, all the students around began to cheer.

Sophomore Stacey Michaels commented, “That crazy person was walking right at me. There is no telling what could have happened if that brave crosswalk guard hadn’t acted. They are usually so underappreciated, but it’s times like these that make you realize how necessary crosswalk guards really are to society. They are the silent heroes.”

Tibbles’s Medal of Honor ceremony is scheduled for next Monday. Chancellor Cheek and Governor Haslam are confirmed attendees. President Obama will not be able to come, but he sends his “deepest thanks for his invaluable service to society.”

All writing and reporting by Penultimate Warrior.

Andrew Jackson Jihad, “Rejoice”

Don’t Worry, Everyone Already Hates You: Softcoremac McCarthy’s 8 Essential Tips for Freshman Year

Freshman year is an exciting time in a young human/gelatinous humanoid’s life, but anyone who’s emerged from the frosh pit knows that there are a handful of tips that your mother forgot to mention in her 800-page suicide treatise. The Knoxville Walnut is here, though, to coddle your malformed psyche and imbue the class of 2015 (lol yea right fuckers) with values that might not harm you and certainly will not harm our vested interest in the meat packing industry.

1. Spend no less than $300 at the UT poster sale. Let me set up a scenario for you: You’ve been sitting by this hottie in calc class for a couple weeks, chattin’ it up on the reg. The first test is coming, and so you take a gulp and invite her over to your dorm room to study. She comes over later that night, stepping into your dorm room only to be assaulted by four walls completely devoid of references to Fight Club, Bob Marley, AND The Boondock Saints. She flings scalding coffee in your face and leaves you shrieking on the floor, without even the Beer Pong Constitution to comfort you. You fail the test, flunk out your first semester, and die in a car accident on the way back to move in with your ashamed parents. They celebrate. Alright, back to reality: the UT poster sale is not the time to pinch pennies. As a general rule, the more numbered lists/breasts, the better.

2. Establish roommate supremacy. A strict pecking order is typically established among roommates/suitemates by day five in the dorms, but any well-prepared freshman knows not to allow the process to take that long. If you’ve got the build, bare-knuckle boxing is the simplest and most traditional way to establish dominance, but fear not—there are plenty of options for all you brainiacs, too. One relatively inexpensive yet effective option is to place a charcoal briquette under one roommate’s pillow while he or she sleeps. The victim will unknowingly inhale noxious fumes throughout the night, resulting in severe depression, confusion, memory loss, and headaches for the rest of his or her life. This will send a clear message to the other roommates, as well, and land you a stress free year at the top of the pack.

3. Don’t be a square! Everyone knows that if most people are ok with something, you’d be a fucking nerd to think otherwise. Qualms are for old people, virgins, and that person you met at orientation whose calls you never answer. The majority of people wouldn’t do something if it wasn’t a good idea. Furthermore, if it wasn’t a good idea, most people wouldn’t do it. If you’re trying to refute that logic, I advise you to give up now and go back to studying, you fucking pussy.

4. Spend as much time as possible on Facebook. Some people think Facebook does nothing but promote a creepy blend of marturbatory self-exaltation and antisocial voyeurism. These people and their tiny dicks can jump off a cliff. See point #3.

5. Go Greek! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say again: with free friends, you get what you pay for. Upgrade to a premium social caste where the Natty Light flows like your alcoholic father’s drunken tears at Thanksgiving. It may seem like hell when someone’s pissing in your face while you do bows and toes on bottle caps, but hang in there! The psychological trauma will only last until a decade after your mid-life crisis, but the friendships will last until you outgrow them.

6. Avoid dorm bathrooms at all costs. If you’re like me, you’ll be tempted to break down and use the shower down the hall or attached to your dorm room every once in a while. DON’T! Everyone knows that college showers are cesspools of staph viruses and undiscovered strains of gonorrhea. It may seem daunting to travel back to your parents place every time you need to shower (especially for all you out-of-staters), but trust me, the extra hours of commuting are well worth it.

7. Read The Weekly Hangover. It’s really really really really good.

Softcoremac McCarthy is a three-time freshman and author of the 2008 best seller “The Letter Fuck.” He is currently studying Rhinocology at the University of Tennessee.

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