Author Archive
Stories written by Softcoremac McCarthy
Softcoremac McCarthy was born in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam in 1978. He studied at the Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation from 1995 until 1998, earning degrees in Political Science* and Dystopian Economics. He currently edits and manages the Knoxville Walnut via Usenet and the deep Web, working with less alienated former friends and casual acquaintances met through My Little Pony enthusiast digicommunities. His physical whereabouts are currently unknown.

Bob Dylan, “Girl from the North Country”

Military to use earth-friendly energy in devastating Somalia

The United States military announced today its plan to convert its drones to solar power, to more eco-soundly reduce Somalia’s land and population to so much ash and rubble.

“The current drone models rely on fossil fuels, which spew gallons of smoke into the atmosphere,” said an official at the briefing, showing a video clip of the new solar-powered models igniting a small village. “These new models, meanwhile, will burn no fuel and so release no exhaust,” he added as the blazing village on the video behind him spewed gallons of smoke into the atmosphere.

Environmental expert Marcus Emerson was quick to voice his support of the military’s switch to solar panels, calling the change long overdue.

“The damage fossil fuel-based aircraft do to the atmosphere, and therefore to general health and safety, is just catastrophic,” he said. “They’re practically death-dealing machines! Environmentally speaking.”

Nor were high-ranking officials and energy experts the only people ready for the change. The drones’ pilots were equally enthusiastic about the new eco-friendly design.

“It’s great, it really is,” one man reported while test-piloting one of the new models through rural Somalia. “I mean here I am, just doing my job like I always do, but it’s now I know I’m – GOT ‘EM! Did you see that, Chris? I nailed those motherfuckers! There’s two probable terrorists we’ll never have to convict, am I right? Ha ha! – what was I saying? Oh yeah: it’s like now I know that I’m not making the world a worse place than I found it, you know?”

Amy Marshall, a military engineer currently positioned in Somalia to monitor the drones’ performance, called the change in technology “a huge step forward” for the military’s impact on society.

“With so much warfare conducted remotely these days, it’s important to remember any military offensive has horrific, destructive consequences,” Marshall said as a drone behind her destroyed two small cars, a church and seven houses in rapid succession. She was forced to raise her voice slightly above the screams from the wreckage as she clarified: “Environmentally speaking.”

All writing and reporting by Julius Seizure.

Natural Child, “White People”

Bascom Lamar Lunsford, “I Wish I Was a Mole in the Ground”

Fashion: Freshman lanyard–Who wore it best?

On their first day at UT, every incoming freshman was given a bright orange lanyard. Some used it as simply a nametag, but others used it how it was meant to be used: as a fashion statement. Here’s a survey of who wore it best.

I mean, honestly, what year are we in? 2009? This is so normal it hurts. Definitely no way to make your first fashion statement at college. Nice job, freshman.

Now this is living life on the wild side. The fact that in a split second keys, money, and at least two forms of ID can be stolen out of your pocket as you sashay down the Strip make this fashion choice so much more daring and avant-garde.

These are just like Chacos, only they get you even closer to nature by having your foot in direct contact with the ground. All the foot fungus you’ll contract via this style will be super cute.

This style has function and form. Having your ID dangle right beside your face conveniently reduces the time it takes for your friends to verify your identity, and your hair gets that super stylish “choked Furby” look.

This is a daring attempt, but it’s a little much. Try toning it down a bit with a couple of elegant Power T pasties.

All writing and reporting by Penultimate Warrior.

Penny & the Quarters, “You and Me”

Cinderella, “Pats Chili Dogs”


Student-athletes’ academic transcripts lost in flood of $100 bills

Athletic director Dave Hart announced yesterday that the athletic department has lost all their student-athletes’ academic transcripts in a flood of crisp, fresh-minted hundred-dollar bills. According to Hart, the documents were destroyed when the department’s heaping stacks of cash burst through their retaining walls and rushed into adjacent rooms where the academic reports were being stored. Athletes’ textbooks, calculators, tutors, and other academic supplies were also lost in the flood.

“The situation is regrettable,” said Hart, as he wiped his mouth with a hundred-dollar bill while eating a hundred-dollar bill sandwich. “Unfortunately, our current method of organization is the only option, given the circumstances.”

Sources report that sometime last night the pressure of the millions and millions and millions and millions of dollars became too great for the structural integrity of the institution holding them. The cash reportedly blasted through a door and poured, unconstrained, into nearby rooms, destroying virtually all traces of academic activity within the athletic department.

Until recently, Hart said, the department had been able to confine the frothing oceans of money to specific areas of the department, completely separate from academics. Unfortunately, the beginning of the 2011 football season and the renewal of a licensing contract with Adidas led to the completely unexpected and disastrous influx of cash.

Some players tried to volunteer to help clean up the damage, but NCAA rules clearly state that “no student-athlete may lay eyes upon the veritable mountains of wealth accumulated by his or her backbreaking, irreplaceable labor.”

“In retrospect, it may have been a mistake to try to keep our $100.85 million dollar annual budget so close to all our student-athletes’ academic lives,” said Hart. “We face powerful natural forces beyond our control every day in the athletic department, but now it’s just time to grieve what we’ve lost and move on.”

At press time the flood continued to cause damage and showed no signs of receding any time soon.

All writing and reporting by Sofecoremac McCarthy.

Big Eyes, “Why Can’t I”

Crosswalk guard to receive Medal of Honor for gunning down crazed jaywalker

Local UTPD crosswalk guard Bob Tibbles will soon receive the Medal of Honor for his role in stopping an extremely aggressive jaywalker from crossing the street.

The incident occurred last Wednesday at around 2:30pm at the intersection of Andy Holt Avenue and Phillip Fulmer Way. The suspect, now confirmed to be Honors Council president Daniel Aycock, reportedly approached the intersection and instantly became “wildly irate.”

Witness John Berry confirmed, “Yeah, he was saying stuff like, ‘Great, now I’m going to be late to class,’ and, ‘Unbelievable!’ It was crazy talk, man. I was worried he was going to lose it at any moment.”

“Lose it” he did. Seeing that no more cars were coming, Aycock decided to cross the street before Officer Tibbles confirmed it was completely safe to cross.

Tibbles tried to stop the suspect by yelling, “Hey you! Stop! Don’t do that!” but to no avail. Next, he had a decision to make.

“I knew I had two options: I could let this madman get away, or I could shoot him,” Tibbles recounted. “In high-stakes situations like these you just have to go with the option that your gut tells you is right.”

Officer Tibbles fired three shots just before Aycock made it to the other side of the street. As the suspect fell, all the students around began to cheer.

Sophomore Stacey Michaels commented, “That crazy person was walking right at me. There is no telling what could have happened if that brave crosswalk guard hadn’t acted. They are usually so underappreciated, but it’s times like these that make you realize how necessary crosswalk guards really are to society. They are the silent heroes.”

Tibbles’s Medal of Honor ceremony is scheduled for next Monday. Chancellor Cheek and Governor Haslam are confirmed attendees. President Obama will not be able to come, but he sends his “deepest thanks for his invaluable service to society.”

All writing and reporting by Penultimate Warrior.

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